Friend(ship)... what it means to me

Well, I simply dread this topic because it may hurt some... I know it will.
Friends, you can't live without them and yet sometimes they are the source of your problems.
A tough topic to write about so I guess I will try to be as accurate as possible.

To me, a friendship is forged after 2 strangers have had several effective chats with each other. That is my general definition of it. You become friends after a while although you don't say it to the other person because it will be weird.
Well you may be asking why I'm writing about this instead of some other fun and interesting topics but I feel that my blog should have entries that have affected me in between entries so that people will know closely about me.

Listening to Persis right now and writing this really makes me want to cry out loud but I can't.
Many friends have come and gone throughout my life. And I have had numerous moments with them, both good and bad. Sad to say that most of my friends up to sec school are not within my reach... all of them are gone. The numbers that I still have in my hp, I don't even know if they still reach the person the name designates. It is only in JC that I realise that I have a very limited cirlcle of friends... and most of them are girls... even my click consists of 3 girls (some may envy me because of that) but it doesn't compare to having male friends around you talking about male stuff. I was really deprived then. But nonetheless I treasure my close friends then because I love my friends and friends like these doesn't come easily.

Its only in the Army that I begin having male friends. Though not as close as JC friends, they provided the male bonds that I have been yearning for. Besides, we were all in the same situation... suffering together ans living together. I had a happy life even though the training drained my life. Some of them still stay with me and we still contact each other at times. Each SMS means so much to me. It feels real good to be remembered and I know that they will appreciate it if I were to send them SMSes ocassionally.

Being in various camps for a short period hasn't enable me to keep a very close circle of friends. But upon entering 5 SIR and knowing that I will be in this camp until I ORD, I know that this is where I will find life-long friends. Friends that I know will be in contact even after ORD and I found those friends, I'm glad to say. Friends like Azri, Fairus, Vincent, Kelvin and Chandra really made life easier for me in the Army or should I say makes the day short. We can joke around all day long and forget all about the Army.

Friends means a lot to me... having lost a best friend in sec sch, I came to realise to treasure all my close friends and never to have to go through the experience again. But as inevitable as inevitable can be it happened once again in the Army with Thomas. Conflicts of interest was the main cause of the problem and we ended up not talking to each other. It really hurts and it's hard for me to get over it but I'm slowly able to with the help of the rest. A part of me wants the friendship to be like old times yet another beckons me not to make the same mistake twice. I really don't know what to do. Well, just writing about it really drains my emotions away and listening to Persis doesn't help at all.

Well this entry is a tribute to the close friends that I have now...

Azri, you know me inside out... literally... you always know when to comfort me and are always there to listen to my troubles and rantings even when you have problems of your own that I can't help. Your jokes really are very funny... I mean it. And it feels good knowing that you trust me a lot. I will treasure that

Fairus, my namesake, always singing, always dancing... he makes me want to dance to at times.
Always makes me laugh with his 'drama'. Very outgoing. And have I mentioned that he is a great singer? Well, he is. And also a neat freak like me but only freakier.

Vincent, only I call you that. Well, our introvertness and interest in music makes me feel like I've known you for a long time. Always making lame jokes, you're a kind hearted friend who's good with the arts, singing and drawing. Not to mention I turn to you for fashion. Although I'm sorry for being insensitive about the stuff you mention in you-know-where.

Kelvin, although we're in different units, we still manage to see each other nearly everyday. Weekends are spent wisely with you. Swimming, eating, going to the library and just plain walking around are the pastimes that we do together. We just share a lot of common interest although we don't always agree.

Chandra, just a young kid. The once easily hated is now the one easily liked. Our interest in astronomy and science and your willingness to share your knowledge really amazes. With you, I learn new things everyday. Maybe it's your youthness.

It doesn't mean that I don't treasure the rest but it's just that I... don't even know how to say this. I know you all will get it.
Can't help thinking that I'm going to die soon because I'm writing as if I'm leaving them... or them leaving me. Well, I really hope that they can be my 'close friends" forever.

Friendship doubles your joys, and divides your sorrows.

- Author Unknown -

Squeeze me tight

OMG! Where do I even begin saying what a cramp it's going to be this few days. Well the Army has done it again... ruined everybody's plans for the festive season by planning ridiculous activities that can at least wait after the holidays are done. Haiz... no use sulking, just have to put up with it.
Tomorrow going for range so will have to book in tonight... range on a SUNDAY! Didn't we like have zeroing last SATURDAY! What happened to the 5-day work week. 2 weekends burned in a row. WOW! It's becoming like the time we did Ops Iodine. Well at least there's the monetary reward to look forward to but since I'm a BOBO shooter... well, you know the money is out of reach but nonetheless I will try my best.
And the best part is there is IMT the coming Monday. Like hello, how do you expect us to go for IMT when we just came back from range the previous day (knowing range... it's probably the same day too). If there's IMT there is bound to be another range and I'm right! It's on the 7th November. Hari Raya mood is totally spoilt man! How to collect money like that (I still get some you know).
Urgh... Don't even know how to describe the feeling.

I haven't opened myself to my feelings other than trivial stuff but maybe it's time I pour myself out. It's a blog anyway... write what I please. Fear is the enemy and I'm going to conquer it. If it makes me feel better than it's worth it.
The name that has been in some of my entries is now going to be in again but for another reason. It used to be accompanied by going out for a movie, visiting each others house or just hanging out together but this entry it's going to be accompanied by pain, hurt, ignorance, and plain disappointment.
I don't want to mention the name. It hurts. The ignorance, the lies. It stays. You all know jolly well who I'm talking about. I don't know why I'm hurting myself this way, maybe because I'm the sort of guy who treasures friendship very much... I dare to say to the point where family sits together with it. Maybe he doesn't feels the same way I do but why ignore me. Am I dead? Am I invisible? I can still see myself. When I fell, why do you, who were there just staring? It's the others that saved me. Others... not you. Why? Ignorance is bliss? Now I think it's beyond repair... and you admit that I was trying to repair it by approaching you. Why didn't you help? It's all full of Why's now. All will remain unanswered. Now you wouldn't even look at me. Why? Embarrassed? Or am I giving you too much negative vibes that it's weighing down on your head so you can't look up. For I have to face you everyday I have to do this. The wounds just won't heal. It just won't

WHY?

Tatu: All about us

"All About Us"

They say
They don't trust
You, me, we, us
So we'll fall
If we must
Cause it's you, me
And it's all about
It's all about

It's all about us (all about us)
It's all about
All about us (all about us)
There's a thing that they can't touch
'Cause ya know (ah ah)
It's all about us (all about us)
It's all about
All about usall about us
We'll run away if we must
'Cause ya know
It's all about us (It's all about us)
It's all about love (It's all about us)
In you I can trust (It's all about us)
It's all about us

If they hurt you
They hurt me too
So we'll rise up
Won't stop
And it's all about
It's all about

It's all about us (all about us)
It's all about
All about us (all about us)
There's a thing that they can't touch
'Cause ya know (ah ah)
It's all about us (all about us)
It's all about
All about us
all about us
We'll run away if we must
'Cause ya know
It's all about us (It's all about us)
It's all about love (It's all about us)
In you I can trust (It's all about us)
It's all about us

They don't know
They can't see
Who we are
Fear is the enemy
Hold on tight
Hold on to me
'Cause tonight

It's all about us
It's all about
All about us
There's a thing that they can't touch
'Cause ya know (ah ah)
It's all about us (all about us)
It's all about us (all about us)
It's all about
All about us (all about us)
There's a thing that they can't touch
'Cause ya know (ah ah)
It's all about us (all about us)
All about us
It's all about us (all about us)
It's all about
All about us (all about us)
There's a thing that they can't touch
'Cause ya know (ah ah)
It's all about us (all about us)

It's all about us (all about us)
It's all about
All about us (all about us)
We'll run away if we must
'Cause ya know (ah ah)
It's all about us (all about us)
It's all about
All about us (all about us)
We'll run away if we must
'Cause ya know (ah ah)
It's all about us (all about us)
It's all about us (It's all about us)
It's all about love (It's all about us)
In you I can trust (It's all about us)

It's all about us

I cried today...

Really i cried while watching television. Weird isn't it? Well I was watching "Renovate My Family" on channel 5 at 6.30 p.m just now.

The show is just like any makeover show, turn something that is run down and unkept into something fabulous and stunning. The show started showing a family, a mum, a dad, and 7 kids living together in a quaint little house, surviving on only 1 bathroom. Actually they are from 2 families but since the first mum passed away, the dad married another which accounts for how different some of the kids look.

Well, the whole family started to get all emotional when they tore down the house in front of them (who wouldn't be). Some of the kids were crying, it was sad.

They were then taken somewhere where they will undergo challenges while their house was built from scratch. They had a cooking lesson whereby the whole family took part preparing dinner for themselves. They had fun helping each other around with the cooking and managed to whip up a good meal. They then had a makeover (yup, for each one of them, even the cute 6 year old Christina!).

I wasn't sure how long it took for the construction crew to complete the project but I can tell you that the end product was absolutetly amazing, 2 storeys, 6 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms and a well-bonded family. Each of the bedrooms were designed specially to meet the expectations of each of the kids (well the oldest was 17). The bedrooms were cool; wished I had a bedroom like that too. But the coolest has to be the inbuilt television in the mirror of the bathroom so that one can watch TV while resting in the tub. And the appliances in the house are all controlled by a tablet (not the ones that you eat). Talk about futuristic housing!

The reason I cried was that one of the child still hasn't cope with the death of his mother but the father has a hard time talking to him personally about this. The host noticed this and suggested that the dad had a one to one talk with the sonad decided to make a special photo frame with a picture of his late wife with his son. He had a message recorded into the frame so that with a press of a button the message could be heard. The message was touching... I couldn't remember but both the father and the son hugged and cried while holding on to the picture frame. I was so touched by the sensitivity of the father. That was when I had tears in my eyes.

Not only has the family gotten a new home... they had each other and that is better then any home.

More...

After so long, I still yearn, I still want
to be like old times, when we were close.
We used to joke, it looks like we were on the run.
We used to study together, at the library, in Mc Donald's.
We used to call each other, talking and sharing life experiences.
We used to comfort each other, in times of need, you were there.
But now times have changed, we went our separate ways.
However deep down inside, how I wish, how I wish

***

Many have come, many more has gone.

Many have stayed, many more has left.

Many have lost, many more are still fighting.

Many have won, many more were sacrificed.

Many have known, many more are searching.

Where do you belong?

***

I'm going, do you care?

to a better place, leaving this behind.

I'm going, do you care?

to a promising place, where my future's secured.

I'm going, do you care?

to a new place, I'll be a pioneer.

I'm going, do you care?

I'm going soon, will you be there?

***

In this place, dreams fade fast;

you never know when it will strike.

In this place, hopes grow slim;

you never know when it will hit.

In this place, everything is uncertain;

you never know when it will be over.

In this place, time seems slow;

you never know when it will leave.

In this place, everything is;

you never know when, everything is.

***

A blow is a blow, any way you see it.

Hurt is always hurt, any way you feel it.

Free is always free, any way you experience it.

A praise is a praise, any way you say it.

Pain is always pain, any way you stop it.

Tears are always tears, anyway you cry it.

Always as always, any way you know it.

Three's a crowd

On a running streak today. Well, enjoy the feast!

Just loook at the sky, what do you see?
Do you see what I see, i see nothing.

Look at the horizon, do you see the sun setting?
Do you see the orange glow, I see darkness.

Look down at your feet, are they firm on the ground?
Are my feet touching the ground, I feel myself sinking.

Look back at the past, or have you forgotten?
Are those things gone, to me it never existed.

Look into my heart, do you feel what I feel?
Am I being true to myself, I've never been more.

***

It comes it goes, faster aech time;

no breath to catch, no time to make.

It stays it lingers, longer each time;

no words to say, no thoughts to execute.

It mixes it matches, sophisticated each time;

no stone unturned, no reason to doubt.

It lashes it wounds, deeper each time;

no medicine to cure, no time to heal.

It strips it empties, more each time;

no parts to fill, no margins to draw.

***

Are'nt you leaving, are'nt you done;

stop intruding, just go your own way.

Are'nt you finished, are'nt you over this;

I can't bear anymore, just go your own way.

Are'nt you happy, are'nt you relieved;

now there's one less, just go your own way.

Are'nt you confused, do you even care;

just let me be alone, just go your own way.

In times like this, its appropriate

In view of the current situation where killings and natural disasters are aplenty, I can only sympathise with the victims and pray that they will get through it. Everything happens for a reason... I dedicate this song to the people who still thinks that mankind is not plaqued with all kinds of problems (I wanted to say doom). The song is by The Cranberries and it is a bit outdated but... enjoy!

"Time Is Ticking Out"
We'd better think about the things we say
We'd better think about the games we play
The world went round, around and round

We'd better think about the consequences
We'd better think about the global senses
The time went out, the time went out

What about Chernobyl?
What about radiation?
We don't know, we don't know

What about deprivation?
Gluttony, the human nation?
We don't know, we don't know
For me love is all, for me love is all
For me love is all, for me love is all

Time is ticking out

Looks like we screwed up the ozone layer
I wonder if the politicians care
And time went out, and time went out

What about our children then?
Is there nothing left for them?
We don't know, we don't know
For me love is all, for me love is all
For me love is all, for me love is all
Ahh they need oxygen, ahh they need oxygen
For me love is all, for me love is all
For me love is all, for me love is all

Time is ticking out yeah
The time is ticking out

The pictures...

These are the pictures of the mosque that we
had our Friday prayers.

Magnificent, ain't it?



The interior of the mosque is really amazing.
The Jame Asr Hassanil Bolkiah Mosque with its domes and minarets plated with 24 carat gold, and surrounding gardens, was built to commemorate the 25th Anniversary of the king's reign.
Omar Saifuddien MosqueA tour of the city will visit the spectacular Omar Saifuddien Mosque, markets, the Kampung Ayer water village, which is said to be the largest water village in the world, and the Brunei Museum, as well as the sights mentioned above. Beyond the Kampong Ayer water village, it is possible to see proboscis monkeys and other wildlife around dusk.


This is the Water Village (not River Village...thanks Vin for pointing that out to me). The water taxis are fun.

Movie Review: Corpse Bride

Had been procrastinating to write this entry since I'm always busy mapling. However, today there is a patch going on from 12 noon till 8 p.m so will have a lot of time to write an entry. As I'm writing this I'm looking at the official website for Corpse Bride and I must say it is impressive.

Now listening to 'Tears to shed', one of my favourite song in the movie... very touching.
Well, the movie is directed by Tim Burton as you all know so I expected it to be dark (dunno what it means but dark is the word) and the movie managed to deliver it, in terms of its casting, the lighting, the costumes and the songs. I must say that this has got to be my favourite movie up to date... everything is just right, the humor, the plot, the songs... basically everything is just right and the story is original.

If I touch a burning candle I can feel no pain
If you cut me with a knife it's still the same
And I know no heart is beating and I know that I am dead
Yet the pain here that I feel, try and tell me it's not real
And it seems that I still have a tear to shed

If I touch a burning candle I can feel no pain
In the ice or in the sun its all the same
Yet I feel my heart is Aching
Though it doesnt beat it's breaking
And the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
I know that I am dead
But it seems that I still have some tears to shed

This is the chorus where Emily sings... very meaningful... at least to me.

Cool stuff:
1. Black is used liberally in this movie... everything is dark and grey and black (creates a cool effect)
2. The songs are superb (musicals really appeals to me). Danny Elfman takes the credit considering he has composed songs for Tim Burton's movies.
3. The characters are all unique from the ultra skinny Victor to his fat and pompous mother. Never have I seen a movie where every character is unique in its own hilarious way.
4. Although the movie has a running time of less than 90 minutes, it manages to end well and with grandeur which is something difficult to achieve.
5. The skeletons look cool, yet eerie but the dog is simply adorable!

With a good script, a talented director, enthusiastic casts and musics that melts your heart... even a short movie can have a lasting effect on a person.

Rating: 4.5... I do not mind watching again

Eighth Movement: Finale

071005 7:14a.m
Now on the bus heading to JAC. The ride on the fastcraft was uncomfortable, not to mention that it takes around 1 hour. On the way on board the bus, we saw the 3rd Guards personnel sleeping soundly in their buses. Their journey has just stared... Less than 1 more day left in Brunei. WooHoo! (why do I keep repeating myself?)

071005 10:30p.m
Now resting at JAC after an interesting day full of sights and sounds. What did we do today:
- we went on an E-tour of Bandar Seri Begawan
- first stop was the Royal Regalia Museum which gave us some insight to the lives of the Sultan of Brunei and the royal family. Boy is he rich!
- next was the Malay Technology Museum which showcases the lives of the people living in the River Village. I was surprised to learn that the village has been around for more than 600 years. Talk about history!
- we went on a trip around the River Village. They have everything that houses have on land; air-con, electricity, internet lines, schools, and even gyms and a stadium. Really amazes me. Heritage can really stand next to modernisation after all.
- the ultimate place has got to be Friday prayers at Masjid Sultan Hasanal Bolkiah. The interior was really undescribable. In Singapore all the mosques are small but in Brunei the mosques really stands out. Will try to include a picture for those who did not went inside.
- we then break fast for the day at Riverview Hotel where the buffet filled me up till next morning. Nothing spectacular about the buffet though.
- shopped for souvenirs at the Mall. It was hard finding gifts for the family, Azri and kelvin but I did managed to get some for all.

Well that marks the end of the whole Brunei trip... too bad I did not have a camera with me to capture all the wonderful moments that we had there. Till next time, Selamat Tinggal Brunei

Seventh Movement: Last Leg

041005 11:12a.m
First day of Ramadhan. Going to close MARS 3 soon so will be heading for camp together with the lunch tonner. Last few days in Brunei already. Learnt quite a lot throughout my stay here. Personnels that are posted here gets a monthly allowance of $1200. Combined with the 2 weeks off in Singapore once every 3 months... unimaginable. On one hand, you have so much money money just waiting to be spent (or saved); on the other, there is so much that you miss back home. So it is kind of a mixed emotion, for me at least. Some of the perm staff here said that it is okay for them to be posted here... kind of vague though. The food cooked by the cookhouse back in camp are prepared by reservist cooks although the vocation is now no longer available, at least to my knowledge.

041005 3:26p.m
Back in camp. Haha... no more covers for me. After a bath, it feels great to lie in bed. The weather is cold, the bed is soft; it is enough for me to drift to slumberland. Already packed some of my dirty laundry. Getting ready to fly back to Singapore on Saturday.

041005 9:14p.m
Now at the medical centre with the guys. Tomorrow I will be on duty so I do not expect anything amazing to happen. Found out that there is a lot of changes that happened. Overwhelming thoughts are filling up right now as I write. Really have to let go right now. Maybe in the last few pages (some of you may have read). Have to end this before it gets bad...

051005 7:53a.m
Today is the real official start of Ramadhan. Imagine my feelings when I came back to camp realising that yesterday was not the start. Hopefully today turns out to be a better day because in a few days time we will be flying off so I do not really want to spoil the mood. Yesterday night talked cock for a while with Fairus, Ong and Chandra. Could not sleep well last night as there was a lot of things on my mind. But nevermind, today is a new day just waiting to be explored.

051005 8:47p.m
Now at the medical centre entertaining people who wants to report sick. Already in the last leg of my stay in Brunei. Just called home and realise that everyone is back home is missing me. I miss them too! Haha. First day of fasting and it was not so bad. Food here is great.

061005 9:32a.m
Our last day here before departure on Saturday morning. Tomorrow must wake up early, as early as 3 a.m to make our way to JAC where we will harbour for a day. I do not know hows the E-tour is going to be conducted but the muslims and the non-muslims will be separated into different buses. Since we came to Brunei 2 weeks ago, we were not introduced to Brunei so I hope that the tour will give me a better insight to Brunei's culture. Since half of the battalion has already left for JAC and probably halfway through their E-tour, Lakiun Camp is very quiet and the bunk is mostly empty.

Sixth Movement: Full speed

011005 9:45a.m
Happy Children's Day! Haha... too old for that already. October is in which leaves around 5 more days before we move to Jalan Aman Camp where we will go on an educational tour. Heard from Jiexiong that we are going to have a whole week off after all. WooHoo!
Ramadhan is also coming up... should be on the 5th of October if I am not wrong. It is already pouring and I am stuck in the medical centre. Going for my last 4D3N cover at MARS3 later. Hmm... should update my 'miss' list today.

011005 9:34p.m
Currently at MARS 3, in the middle of a quarry dumping site. There are quite a number of dogs around so it feels quite scary. Was so engrossed in reading Deception Point by Dan Brown that I procrastinated in writing this entry. The highlight of today... the 'Miss" list.
1. family - still tops
2. friends - all the hanging out
3. blogging - a lot to type
4. maplestory - hang on Prim2
5. food - any food will do
6. keyboard - hope I still remember at least 1 song
7. civilian - already forgotten how it feels to be one
8. crowds - being an introvert, its ironic that I miss being in a crowd
Will not be turning in soon so I will be writing about... blogs.

Blogs have been a great hit among individuals who craves having their own
domain on the web. Blogs are either private, which could be
password-protected,
or public, which could be accessed by virtually anyone
who has access to the
web. However, in the past 3 weeks, blogging has come
under fire as to its ethics
and censorship.
Blogging to some is like an
online diary where issues at heart of the
blogger is splashed all over the
blog. I could not deny that even my blog is an
expression of myself but
sensitive issues and personal matters are kept away.
Blogs are now no longer
safe as lurkers search through numerous blogs, reading
and maybe using it to
stir uneasiness throughout the community. No doubt
bloggers should exercise
sensitivity when writing about certain issues. Knowing
that your blog may be
open to web searches, the contents too can be used openly
by anyone who
chanced upon it.
In spite of blogs being defamed for providing a channel
for spewing
disputes, the possibility for blogs providing opportunities are
endless. It can
serve as a public forum for like-minded individuals to share
a common interest.
I can search blogs that that share my interest in games
or maybe mothers out
there can search for online recipes in another
blog.
Now, chatterboxes can be embedded in a blog which allows open
communication
between family, friends, and even guests and it can be
customised to suit the
overall lokk and feel of the blog.
Although blogs
may be a window to one's life on the web, sensitivity should
be exercised so
that it will not be a subject of scrutiny as various add-ons are
peppered
across the web which allows for faster and more efficient transfer of
information.

021005 8:13p.m
Finished reading Deception Point today. 1 book in 2 days... I must have been very bored. Haha... feeling excited already, a few more days left. Wonder how Chandra and Hann is doing right now. 2nd day into Ex Buaya, must be very taxing for them, both mentally and physically. Have an idea on what to do tomorrow... going to write about rejection, my biggest fear alongside loneliness. Tonight will be brainstorming... think I am going to turn in already.

031005 11:28am.m
Today's weather is very hot and its not even noon yet. Need to cool down first before beginning.
Looking through the small window,
all alone, in a tight, claustraphobic cell.
The light penetrating,
shed light all around me, and that was when I saw ...

***

A candle burning fast, wax dripping on the dark, wet floor;

surviving on this candle, in the labyrinthe of life.

The walls closes on me, and the candle stands short;

the time draws near, I risked being trapped.

I continued on, with hope to find;

a way out of this, a miracle would be fine.

Just then, as though my prayers were answered;

the walls disappear and ahead of me shines this bright pulsating light.

I darted towards it, as fast as I could;

but it seems that the light, distanced as I ran.

Don't give up, don't let up;

just trust your guts, follow it tight.

Sweat ran down my face, the tireness came;

I was exhausted, so I stopped and I stared.

The light began to dim, as though saying goodbye;

I've lead you far enough, the rest is up to you.

As miraculous as before, the walls appeared again;

I gaped is shock, what was happening?

The walls were spriked, and my candle was gone;

Now I'm worse off than when I started;

the spikes stings and I began to bleed...

OKOK that has to be one of the worst ever. It was difficult writing about both so I concentrated only on rejection. Cannot blame me since I was not in the mood. Maybe later I will write something else. Being in Brunei for nearly 2 weeks made me think about myself. Hmm... where is lunch anyway?

031005 4:54p.m

Lunch was good... I really mean it. Now raining and I am freezing. It has been raining everyday for the past few days. Talk about extreme weathers! Feeling bored right now. Have been sleeping until I cannot sleep anyways (does it sound right).

031005 6:08p.m

Nasi lemak for dinner, boy am I full. Ramadhan is just a few hours away. Better say my Niat (intention) for tomorrows fast. Heading back to camp tomorrow, looking forward to a cool, refreshing bath tomorrow. For the coming Ramadhan, I aim to achieve the following,

1. use little or no profanities

2. try not to gossip or badmouth people

3. try not to listen to gossips and negative influences

4. try not to look at pictures or read articles that may destroy my fast

5. be nice, polite, courteous, kind

6. try not to complain when hungry or thirsty

7. complete Ramadhan having fasted for 30 days

fasting is not just about abstaining from food and drink from sunrise to sunset. It is also about abstaining from negativities that may destroy one's moral values. This is also the month where syaitans (devils) are locked away so as not to disturb the blessed month. So it is up to the individual to curb one's desires so as not to break one's intention to fast. Having fasted for many Ramadhan's, I must say that the first few days are not easy. As the days pass, it will become easier until it becomes a lifestyle. I will strive to achieve my aim, bit by bit. Even after Ramadhan, I intend not to fall back on my old ways.

In Brunei, sunrise and sunset occurs earlier than in Singapore so relatively fasting here will be easier. However, only the first 2-3 days will be spent here fasting. Really looking forward to break fast with family and ocassionally with friends.

Fifth Movement: Uplifting

280905 6:55p.m
Going back to camp tomorrow that marks my first of 2 4D3N covers. Cannot wait to take a refreshing shower but most importantly come closer to the day we head back to Singapore. Could not be bothered to count how many days have been spent here. Tomorrow will also be the day A coy completes their Ex Nomad. Wonder how Chandra's doing right now. Saw Hann earlier today and he said that he feels like dying. If it had been me, I think I would just go with the flow until my body stops me. OKOK I understand that it is easier said than done so I will not dwell into this further. Will interview them about the Ex Nomad tomorrow. Thinking about topics to write about tomorrow...hmmm... just could not come up with a topic because I am thinking about other things. Things that I have let go off but ocassionally come back and really, really saddens me. Azri would know what I mean. Without fail everytime this kind of things come up to bother me, I will write a poem to let loose my feelings so that the positives will stay while the negatives will be penned down.

As winter came, colder each year;
blowing its chilling wind, down my every bone.
Food ran low, and I am all alone;
friends that I thought were, all gone.
At times when I am lost, alone by myself;
not once did they turn, not once...
My tears freezes solid, but my heart stayed;
I thought I was damned, but help came along.
I was saved from the cold, by a big warm hug;
that was just I needed, a hug... just once...

290905 3:42p.m
Wah! Still at Foxbat! The worst thing is that I do not know whether I am going back to camp today or not. Heard a bizzare story today. Had a casualty who suffered from a fever with temperaturre 38.6 C since 2 days ago. Today he came Foxbat, I took his parameters: temp 38.6 C, pulse 124, respiration 20. I know that that was not bizzare. I was told that he was 'disturbed' at the first night. He was 'disturbed' because he apparently slept along a ridgeline, crossing the open path. He then felt a weird feeling in him and as a result he developed fever. In addition, at the back of his neck are 3 small burnt marks that formed a triangular shape. Talk about eerie! Heard other stories from the perm staff here, but I shall not write it down. I do not want to speculate anything because I did not experience it for myself. 2nd time it rained today... and I smell bad. Desperately need to go back today.

300905 1:17p.m
Staying in the medical centre alone since the rest are out on cover. Came back late yesterday and reached camp around 7:30p.m. Todays weather is hot... thank goodness I have no cover today. Going to MARS (medical aid relay station) 3 tomorrow for my second 4D3N cover.
Taboo topic next:
Hashbi was supposedly possessed yesterday night and was later sent to the medical centre after he awakened. Felt quite scared yesterday as it was Thursday night. However, I had a comfortable rest on the bed with no disturbance. 9 more days left... could not wait.

300905 4:47p.m
Hot one minute and pouring the next. Predicting the weather here is like predicting your life in the Army. You think you know it but actually you have no idea. Enough nonsense already. Chandra read my previous entries and knew who I was talking about. It is that obvious huh? My mood was not lifted at all. Do not get me started man. Since writing is obvious then I should be more subtle by writing poems... even so... try guessing this... good luck.

Wasting away the fruits on the tree,
the roots run deep, it spreads unseen.
The warmth from the sun, the air so fresh,
richens the tree, so the fruits may bear.
The leaves provide shade, the trunk supports, not any single part left bare, unused.
With constant nourishment, the tree will thrive,
and support the numerous creatures that lives within it.
Age will soon catch up, the sun may refuse its warmth,
by then the habitants will what the tree is worth.

Fourth Movement: Long notes

260905 8:36a.m
Woke up freezing today since it rained last night. Already packed my stuff for the 4D3N cover at Foxbat today.
Just wondering what it takes before someone start showing their true colours.
1. stress + peer pressure?
2. bottle of emotions that is broken by the slightest agitation?
3. fear + peer pressure?
4. time?
Fore me, I tend to notice that given time, one would definitely show their true colours and I'm speaking from personal experience. Nevermind, will continue this later.

260905 10:42a.m
Now resting in bunk getting psyched up for the cover later. Had roti prata earlier on, senior medic's treat, with Chandra. Although the taste was mediocre, it had at least satisfy one of my food cravings. Well, got to go take a shower...Day 6

260905 11:33a.m
As I sit here, looking straight at my past.
Long gone were the times when birds fly high.
The scar remains, of wounds that is deep.
The tries, the numerous tries, just seem to waste away.
Giving up has never been an option.
But lately, true colours began to emerge.
I observed from a distance, it now seems so clear.
What seems to be had never been
The more I think the less it means
For the chapter closes with sorrow and disappointment

260905 8:48p.m
My first night outfield. Bought dinner at a roadside stall paid by the driver. Lets recall what we had... burger, chicken wings, satay and chicken backside (thats right... backside). Sleeping now... will continue tomorrow.

270905 9:05a.m
Woke up nearly at 8 a.m. Even though I slept on the benches, I can confidently say that the sleep was good. Yesterday night was very dark and to worsen the condition, it was raining throughout the night. Can foresee that today is going to be a long day as Alpha Coy just started their Ex Nomad. I will be praying for Chandra's and Hann's safety as they join A coy for the exercise.

270905 10:53a.m
Had roti prata and teh for breakfast just now thanks to a kind-hearted captain who bought for us. Breakfast outfield is even better than breakfast back in camp. 3 more days outfield so will have plenty of time to reflect. Continuing what I have written yesterday... about true colours...
WARNING: It's going to be long

I have to admit that first impressions count. It is the basis in your
decision of wanting to communicate with the person. Usually first impressions
stay with us and serves as a guide as to how a person would react given a
specific stimuli.
For example, at first glance, you make friend s with a person whom you
heard of as being kind, helpful and also sympathetic. Naturally, you would
expect the same friend to behave that way towards other people. This, without
realising, will become the expectation you have for your friend.
As you get to know him/her further, you noticed that this becomes a trend,
which is good I must say.
Buts let say a newcomer enters your friendship circle. Your friend suddenly
retracts himself, behaving less than amiably toward the newcomer. You may
dismiss it as only an instance for he might have a good reason to do so.
However, deep in your mind and heart, you feel shocked. You, sad to say, have
been hit hard by the true colours of your friend. The next few actions that you
take are important in determining how hard you were hit by the 'colours'.
You confront your friend to bring forth what you experiences.
You take a step back and observe if it continues.
Either way, you have to keep an open mind to accept. More true colours may
come heading your way.
The example that I have laid down is not necessarily experienced by me. I
can only say that something similar happened to me. I was a victim of 'true
colours'. I took the first step and it was clear back then a nd everything was
resolved. Only after I followed the second step did I saw the whole picture. It
felt painful at that time. I was hit real hard.
'What seems to be had never been'
This was what inspired me to write the poem yesterday. Whatever the outcome
is, take this as a lesson. Grow to be a better person at the end of it, looking
back with no regrets.
For this chapter closes with sorrow and disappointment.

270905 8:00p.m
Turning in soon. Thinking what to write about tomorrow. Hmmm...got it... Expectations.

270905 8:56p.m
Looks like we will not be sleeping soon so I might as well write today. Here goes... pouring out of my mind.

Everyone has expectations, be it from an animate or inanimate object. Just
like a mother expects her newborn to be able to walk by a certain age, she
expexts the sun to rise everyday.
Expectations are formed, altered and dismissed all the time without the
person realising it. Some expections are instantaneous while others are
long-lived. What I am going to concentrate on is the expection one has with
regard to another. Suffice to say from an individual to another
individual.
A mother expects her son to grow up to be a successful businessman.
I expect a friend to arrive to arrivw on time and not be late.
Both examples are expectations a person has for another person.
Expectations gives a rough guide as to how you are going to decide on your
actions. Every action that you take will either bring you closer or further from
the expectations. However, some expectations may contradict each other. If this
is the case then you must decide on which expectation you want to fulfill.
For me, I have expectations for the people whom I am close with. A times,
these expectations will be fulfilled, others it may be altered or even
dismissed. So naturally, people will have expectations of me which I will try to
fulfill. Inevitably, some of these expectations contradict my own and it is
during times like this that I will have to dismiss one. I will try to give and
take to reach an agreement whereby both expectations have to be altered.
So as you can see, expectations may serve as a guide to your actions but at
times major conflicts may arise, leaving you to change the way you react to
stimulus.
It is up to you then to come up with a wise solution... either make it or
break it.

Third Movement: Relax and Rage

240905 8:35a.m
Now in the middle of the jungle with a signaller at Temada cpnering for Guided Navex. The journey from camp took 30 mins. The air is cool and the sun waiting to shine creates a perfect environment for some relaxation. The fog hanging on the mountains took away the height of it, making me think that it is a gargantuan breathing being. Haha... wild imagination huh?
All this view and surroundings and people really makes me think about how superior God really is; all the diversities of nature just makes one appreciate life even more. I feel a poem coming up...
Mountains up above;
the flowing river below;
gives peace of mind.
The hospitable people;
the culture we see;
gives peace of soul.
The clean, fresh air;
the breezes in the morn;
gives peace of body.
I know it sounds lame and so unprofessional but this is what I came up with in a small frame of 5 mins. It was created in the medical centre at 2:46p.m
The cover was not that bad; a typical cover but the difference is the landscape. In Brunei, the slopes are steeper, hills taller, roads longer and of course more insects to irritate you. 4th day in and I'm already spending a lot since the food served by the cookhouse sucks. Had not been eating at the cookhouse for 1.5 days already. Wonder how is everything back in Singapore. By the time we go back to Singapore, it will already be the fasting month. Do not know if I can survive the first few days fasting in Brunei. It just brings me to tears thinking about the next 2 weeks ahead. This has got to be the longest I have spent away from home. Well now there is nothing to do, maybe I should work on my bed...

240905 7:00p.m
Report sick parade now from 7:30p.m to 9:30p.m. So far has seen a few cases but none that is really serious. Come to think of it., I really miss working in the medical centre back in Singapore. I am actually not at ease of mind at all. Even all the way to Brunei, my existing problems still haunt me but I shall not let it bring my morale down. At times I really feel like telling paople off but I have come to learn and calm myself down. I have to tell myself that if ever I feel like I might blow up any second, I have to refer to an entry titld "read this... over and over..." to calm myself. I just hope I can survuve myself as entertainment is kept to a minimum. My imagination is running wild...
In this place I hid myself, whenever things may turn ugly.
When all else fails and hopes slim down,
this place, my retreat, takes all the fears away.
Anger, disappointment and tireness, are signs to heed, I soon may break.
Bring myself back to this place again, so that I will recover from the pain.

250905 12:57p.m
Lunch today was good, we had chicken rice. Missed all the home-cooked meals like lauk lemak, rojak bandung and even simple dishes like mee goreng and nasi goreng. Called home just now using Chandra's phone. Talked to my mum for a while and learnt that everyone at home is fine. That is a relieve. Will call home again soon... maybe when we near landing. Feeling very sleepy now but it is more humid and hot in the bunk than in the medical centre so I think I will be relaxing in the medical centre.

250905 7:08p.m
Thinking about what I would be doing if I was back in Singapore. The following list is from the things I miss the most to the least.
1. family - so obvious!
2. food - especially home-food...competing fiercely with family
3. friends - all that I left behind
4. music - how quiet my life is now...
5. games - maple especially
6. keyboard - I think my skills went down the drain
7. blogging - leaking what is inside my mind and heart
8. Singapore - the weather, the unpredictability...
Only 2 more weeks before we will be back in Singapore and continue with the fasting month. Will update the "miss" list by next week. Have been SMSing Azri for quite a number of times this few days. Good to hear that he is feeling okay. After all the things he told me, I began to appreciate him as a good friend. =)

250905 10:02p.m
Heard that a grandfather of one of the storeman just passed away today. This incident struck me directly at the heart since my grandfather was just discharged from the hospital early last month due. He was diagnosed with colon cancer. Even if he were to undergo surgery, it would hace a 50% success rate. So he opted not to go for the operation. I called home earlier today and was told that everything was alright. I will just have to pray that he will enjoy and make full use of his final days. He is a religious man so... it speaks for itself. Let him come to see the coming Ramadhan.

Second Movement: Transition

220905 12:53p.m
2nd day into Ex Lancer... last night slept real good. No disturbance at all although some of the lights were switched on as early as 5:00a.m. Do not want to spend time writing when I could be sleeping. Will continue when I'm at the medical centre.

220905 4:05p.m
Wah! Now at the medical centre enjoying the aircon after sleeping for nearly 3 hours. Although it was humid and hot and I was sweating all over, my tireness had the better of me and I ended up sleeping most of the afternoon away. To tell the truth, now I do not feel like going back... do not be alarmed, I miss Singapore and all but after hearing about what's in store the week after landing such as combat shoot and 24km tactical walk, its enough to make me want to stay another week. My first cover will not be until the 24th so I will still be in camp tomorrow.

230905 8:49a.m
3rd day in and I'm already missing stuffs. Come to think of it, 3 days is not a very long time considering the 2 weeks more we have to stay at Brunei. Had a steamboat yesterday night inside Dispensary as the LMO (Lakiun M.O) is ending his tour soon. The steamboat managed to lighten the mood a little but overall all of us were a bit apprehensive about the numerous covers. Will be staying in the medical centre today so not expecting anything exciting.

230905 9:30p.m
Turning in soon but still haven;t packed my fieldpack for the cover tomorrow. Reporting at 7a.m so have to wake up early to get ice. The cover will be for 1 day so I will not be bringing a lot of stuff. My first outfield cover tomorrow. Heard a lot of scary things about the place where I'll be covering but I have to see it to believe. Can't wait for tomorrow...

First Movement: Shock and Adjustment

200905 9:24p.m
Still at home waiting to say goodbye to my family. Cannot believe that today is the day. A part of me says that this is a good opportunity but yet the other thinks otherwise. Well, time to to go now, must be at the airport by 2359hrs today.

210905 11:24a.m
Now lying down on my bed (it's the top double-decker) thinking about the journey that had just passed. The flight was terrific, seeing all the night lights on the ground while on an airplane was truly breathtaking. I even saw Pulau Tekong on the way. Certainly reminds me of my BMT days. Upon arrival we took a bus to the jetty where the fastcraft took us to Temburong district. The journey itself took around an hour but it didn't felt long as I was asleep during the journey. The final trip took us from the jetty at Temburong district to Lakiun camp. Feeling sleepy and hungry, the bus ride seems to go on forever. It didn't took more than 20 mins to reach the camp where we will call it home for the next 3 weeks.
At first glance the camp looked decent enough (didn't expect a lot from a place that looked like a kampung resort). Although there is a lot of dos and don'ts, I think that overall the place is not bad. I just think of it as a change of environment. Later learnt that time spent in the camp itself is kept to a monimum. Cover that lasts up to 4 days will occupy us most of the time here. Well, nobody said that it was going to be a holiday. Now just killing time before lunch time (wonder if the food is good... no plates, only metal trays)

210905 1:22p.m
Just came back from lunch. Hmm... let me describe how tedious lunch is;
1) all metal trays are to be washed before use as you can never trust how well the person before you cleans it
2) must bring your own fork, spoon and mug as these items will not be provided
3) there's only 1 queue, which makes the moving slow
4) after the trays are washed, it must be wiped with a towel that has been used by everybody... now unhygenic
The good news is that we will not be spending most of the lunches and dinners in camp (ewww... combat rations). Now going to take a nap. Too tired and its just the first day.

210905 4:56p.m
Just woke up from a long nap feeling cold. It's raining outside (actually drizzling). The weather sure took a quick turn as it was very, very hot just now around the time the previous entry was written. Already missing all the people and the things that I left behind back in Singapore.

210905 10:49p.m
Felt good after taking a bath. Time to turn in soon. 1 day down man! Tomorrow I have no cover so I hope it will be a good day for me. In Brunei, the sun rises and sets early so training will be cut short early too. The living conditions is not exactly 5-star quality but once in a while living in this kind of place is not so bad... correction, once is enough. Reveille should be around 6 a.m, definitely a change from the norm of 7 a.m back in Singapore. Covers aplenty this next few weeks. Will find time to write as often as possible. Haiz... September not even over yet...