Well, for the 133 score, I think I got some explaining to do. It's rather for myself, to know just what I'm doing is of essence and not expecting any rewards of any kind. Ok let's start...
It always happen to me like this. When it's a 2 person kind of outing, I always end up talking philosophical. And when in a group, I end up being timid, keeping to myself, fear that I might say the wrong things.
As I was telling Kel, everybody's different. Everyone has a place to stand with regard to the spectrum of human behaviours that I like to classify as 'good' and 'bad' (for simplification purposes). Always, and I mean always, there will be a person standing at the extreme ends of that spectrum. Ya... I know, our behaviours are constantly changing as we undergo circumstances but there will always be someone standing the the end. If not, then how do we judge our place.
And yesterday, while chatting to Rus for nearly 2 hours, I had to tell him that at times I envied how he is able to maintain the vast amounts of friends. He doesn't have a computer to MSN everyday nor money to treat them all. But I realise it's the willingness to try and maintain relationship; to keep each one strong, mend it when there's signs of deteriorating. It doesn't take a genius to realise that.
And I ask myself this. Am I really 'remarkable' in relating with others? Yes and no. Yes when I'm alone with them and a big no when I'm in a group. Surely my friends can see.
But when Rus asked me to open up more, I sorta hesitated. I'm not good with crowds. As I told him, it is hard to maintain conversations with people. Maybe I'm not that interesting. Well, that's beside the point. Maybe what he meant was for me to be proactive; don't wait for people to approach you, you do the approaching. Guess I can't deny the truth in that.
Behavioural patterns of people have always intrigued me. Seeing people react under circumstances made me question the proper way to approach a certain situation.
But being able to communicate to people requires one to be strong and steady. Show yourself to be a steady tree in a storm and people will take shelter during rainy days.
But sometimes I wonder if being emotional and being empathetical is similar. I'm currently reading an autobiography of Prophet Muhammad's (PBUH) and in certain chapters I find that I'm crying; crying because I'm touched by his life. I found myself crying frequently these past months. So am I emotional or empathetical? (shrugs)
For now I would rather be the kid that looks at ants than the adult who steps on them.
***
In life, people are trying to make their mark, whether on things such as the Moon or in other people in a form of sincere gestures. I believe everyone belongs in the category, it's just a matter of degree.
As for me, I try hard to bring people up when they fall, to pat them on the back when they'd done well, to just call and say hi, to render assistance if any is required, to support a worthy cause and to be a crying shoulder. And never once did I hope for them to pay me back in any form, to be my best friend, to be my girl friend, to be my saviour and all that. Never once do I expect them to be anything but a friend to everyone else.
It's rare that I open myself up, especially when I myself am going through a tough time. But I guess I should be thankful to God that I haven't lost anything... especially faith.
