20 years and still counting

G O O D B Y E 2 0 0 5 !

Back to basics: The other Beginning

2005.......................The hidden...............

Simplicity dragged me,
no fancy,
no complexity,
no ambiguity.

What you see is what you get.

I've been too hard on myself.
At times when even I point the finger to myself when it's not my fault.
Fault?
I can't decide that every problem has a person that should be blamed.
But doesn't it feel better to know?
To know when to let up?
To know when to give up?
To know when to move on?
To know that the world doesn't revolve around me nor will it ever.

I confined myself to my beliefs but I fail myself.
But does that make me a failure?
No, though I have.

To see the mask that you have made so meticulously so that every inch of your face is covered crack and peel just like that.
People can see through me.
See the ugliness that is me.
And now I have the urge to just take it off and let everyone see me for who I am.
Now I just don't give a damn what people think of me.
I'm tired of caring,
tired of loving,
tired of everything that I have to offer and get nothing in return.
Not that I'm hoping...

The need to put on another mask is strong but before I do that, take a good look at me.
Harsh it may be...

The loneliness I experienced from time to time,

just drains all of me away,

who have I got to turn to?

And yet the wheel spins faster,

more revolutions,

more cycles,

and I'm caught in the middle of it.

When times I keep to myself in the corner,
when I fade from the crowd,
when I frown my deepest,
when my words softer than a falling feather,
rage is what I feel inside.
Anger isn't enough.

Rage for what I see around me,
what I feel around me,
what I sense around me.
And I feel weak after that,
weak from the tears.
Tears that cracks my mask.

I feel the need to let go,
not just to scream my lungs out,
but to tear my whole body inside out.
Squirming won't do the trick.
Writing all this down has no effect at all,
only strengthening it.

Vulgarities at the tip of my tongue,
I could lash at anyone.

I'm lost in my blanket of darkness,
drowning in my seas of sorrow,
falling into my bed of fears,
clawing out of my web of lies.

Sometimes it's just too much,
but no one knows.
Why should they when I'm still wearing that mask,
that fake smile,
that opposing nod that says that everything was OK.

When actually I'm not

Back to basics: School

Watched Commonwealth secondary military band perform in their premises just now with Vin. It was more of a performance to boost the players confident than of showcasing what the band had. The songs was quite easy I have to admit and for the young, budding musicians, I have to say that they played rather well though they weren't in tune most of the time. I could remember how nervous I was when I first performed in front of crowds at the World Trade Centre.
The band spirit just wasn't there. Maybe they were tired. Or maybe sad that school was about to be opened in a few days time.
During the break I was brought around the school. Though it was dark, I could imagine the screams and laughter of kids during school days. I just missed the good old schooling days. And it seemed that every school has its own haunted place. Eerie...
After the show we made our way to West Mall where we had a drink at Coffee Bean. I just loved the ambience of coffee houses. It's like time slows down for you. And the music they were playing was perfect to capture the relaxing atmosphere.
About 2 tokens worth of Time Crisis 2 in the arcade, we made our way home. It was already 10+. How fast time flies.

I noticed that you weren't at ease,
I don't know what made you pissed,
You sighed heavily, it was hard to miss,
I just hope you find yourself inner peace.

Sugarbabes: Ugly

Was thinking about something to write, wrote it halfway and just remembered this song. Perfect timing. Felt like this before? I've had

"Ugly"

When I was 7
They said I was strange
I noticed that my eyes and hair weren't the same
I asked my parents if I was OK
They said you're more beautiful
And that's the way they show that they wish
They had your smile
So my confidence was up for a while
I got real comfortable with my own style
I knew that they were only jealous cos

People are all the same
And we only get judged by what we do
Personality reflects name
And if I'm ugly then
So are you
So are you

There was a time when I felt like I cared
That I was shorter than everyone there
People made me feel like life was unfair
And I did things that made me ashamed
Cos I didn't know my body would change
I grew taller than them in more ways
But there will always be the one who will say
Something bad to make them feel great

People are all the same
And we only get judged by what we do
Personality reflects name
And if I'm ugly then
So are you
So are you

People are all the same
And we only get judged by what we do
Personality reflects name
And if I'm ugly then
So are you
So are you

Everybody talks bad about somebody
And never realises how it affects somebody
And you bet it won't be forgotten
Envy is the only thing it could be

Cos people are all the same
(The same, the same)
And we only get judged by what we do
(What we do, yeah, yeah)
Personality reflects name
And if I'm ugly then
(Yeah, you)
So are you
So are you

People are all the same
(Oh, oh, oh)
And we only get judged by what we do
(What we do, yeah)
Personality reflects name
And if I'm ugly then
(Yeah, so are you)
So are you
So are you

Back to basics: Beginning of time

Ok. It's not exactly the real beginning. Just to look back at 2005. Hmmm... it's going to take long so if 1 entry can't cover I will split it up. We'll see how it goes, don't expect me to remember everything.

2005.......................the obvious..........................

2 decades old in the first month. Nothing much happened that I could recall. Just that I was still adjusting myself. Yes Yes It took me a long time to adjust myself to this camp with people that I don't know. All of them were strangers then... and some of them still are. I could still remember doing duty on New Years day. Hmmm.. just hope it doesn't happen again. Haha.

I wasn't an active blogger then. I only blogged when I felt like it or something that I want to remember when I looked back at it. Things were different last time. I used to keep to myself in the past. I have to admit that I hate big crowds. I tend to keep to myself and not take center attraction when I'm out in big groups. But in small groups... you know what I mean.

I also bought a gift for someone but I just don't have the time to give and the person wasn't anxious at all in receiving it. It's still at home, my home. Things really changed... don't even want to recall it.

Hmmm...couldn't remember much what happened then. So I will fast forward. The next big thing that happened was the time when we had a lot of exercises. Week after week we went outfield, paint our faces, walked till our feet turned sore, sweat till we smell like pigs. Yeah I remember that. Though tiring and dead, we managed to pull through. It amazes me till this day how I could survive that. If that was suppose to test my physique then Ops Iodine tested my mental endurance. Weeks on end we have to stay in the camp, 6 of us at a time. Spent the whole day doing what? Sleeping, playing games, chatting, eating and more sleeping. If I recalled correctly it happened 5 times in all when we were on Alert red.

Then it was a slack period after our Alert red as we were preparing for NDP, well they were preparing, we were covering. Learnt that Marina South was a dull place in the day but at night it turned into a smoke bellowing factory with steamboats and the sounds of frying food. The NDP period was the most taxing if I were to look back. Not for them but for me. But all in all I enjoyed myself, the fireworks, the performances, and mostly the patriotic feeling. Though my mind wasn't at ease throughout the whole thing, it was at least tamed. Doing duty during the carnival was downright boring as there was nothing to explore and we were expected to stay in the premises of the HQ and not loiter like some loose animals. Don't even make me recall the times spent at Marina. I hate it.

Soon we were heading to Brunei for Ex Lancer in late August till early October. 2+ weeks in Brunei. Felt better while I was in Brunei, maybe the vast landscape and the cool weather took me away. Yeah that was it. The gargantous mountains and the winding river was a sight not to be missed. It's not everday that I get to travel to a foreign land. The furthest I've been is Sarawak and that was in my sec. sch. days. Though we weren't involved in the exercises, the days spent out in the jungle seems like eternity for me. The days were long, nothing to do except sleep. I won't ever forget the experience I had there. Too bad I didn't have a camera with me or else I would have snapped up photos like mad! Spent the first 3 days fasting in Brunei. Missed my family tremendously and also my friends back in Singapore. Never been more glad to land back in Singapore. Hectic as it gets, this is where I belong.

November happened last month when Hari Raya was celebrated as usual. Fun as it was, I managed to collect money too. Haha. Some of my distant uncles thought I was still in secondary school. Hmmm... I feel so young. When I told them that I'm ORDing in April next year, they would each say that time really fly huh? I would just laugh and agree. But in my heart it was the longest time of my life. I dread going back to camp.

Meet up with my JC mates too. All grown up liao. All pursuing their individual goals, having a different lifestyle, adopting different fashion. Had a great time then thinking and joking about our JC days. But things changed... I hope they change for the better.

Now we've come to December, the last few days of it. Did duty on Xmas day itself. Managed to give some of them presents and got a nice pendant in return. Really meaningful I have to say. Also got a big Xmas card which I liked very much. It's not everyday you receive gifts from friends. Though I don't celebrate Xmas, I celebrate giving gifts. But I learnt that the greatest gift that you can give is a simple smile, it works everytime, even though some of it is fake.

Clearing my leave till next year, only have a few more days till the new year. Wow! Didn't realise I spent 45 mins on this entry. I might have missed a few stuffs here and there. Intentional or not, you decide.

Showers, Fears and Tears

Yesterday's outing or rather trip to Sentosa didn't turn out well.
Rain. On the bus. On the MRT. On Sentosa. At the musical fountain.

The tide at the beach was also low.
By the time we reached the luge, it was close.

Well, at least the musical fountain was still on but just 10mins before the start, it was pouring like hell! I was soaking wet, shivering, hungry and cold. But the time the show started the rain had subsided, leaving me to enjoy the show with Kel and Vin. Somehow I wasn't excited seeing all the water swaying and dancing to the music. For goodness sake I was drenched in tropical snow! But still like a small kid, enthusiasm shook all my negative feelings away. I managed to appreciate the complexity of the whole show.

Summarising- no tanning, no swimming, no luging, watched the musical fountain, drenched and cold. What a day.

By time we made our way to PS it was already near 10. Played Ikaruga, 2 dollars worth of credits and got to Chapter 4. Crazy shit man, all the switching and the dodging. Had many collision with the walls. Had supper at McD before taking photos and heading home. Wasn't that bad...

at least the showers washed away my tears

which is more than I can say for my fears

my tears confirmed my fears

Loading tranquility_shots

Jagged rocks point to the sky,
tall grasses sway in the breeze,
snowflakes fall ever so gracefully.
Tranquilise me till I forget.

Bright sun shines its heavenly rays,
birds chirping their ever melodious tunes,
waves hit the shores with gusto.
Tranquilise me till I feel no pain.

Rain pattering down on my window,
stars twinkle countless in the sky,
Tranquilise me till I learn.
Just tranquilise me.

Maple outing (uni maplers)

The postcard that I got from the event though it was bigger than the normal size. Hey! I'm not complaining! The bigger the better. The ship looks cool too. Too bad it doesn't have a name.

Watched Narnia in the morning with Vin, Cheah, Azri, Kelvin and Chandra. Quite an okay movie. Nothing good to say though because I'm still smiling after the outing with the uni maplers. And I thought I was old, even post graduates are playing. But nonetheless everyone has the inner child in them. What am I rambling about.

Well talking to them made me happy that's all. Quite surprised that girls play too. Laughing, joking, sharing experiences good or bad. Exchanging IGNs and e-mails. Remember asking each of them how they come up with their IGNs. That was really funny. Time went by fast as we chatted all the way about maple (of course!), uni stuff, army. Even considering creating a guild. Haha. Really enjoyed their company very much. Now I got new friends to share my maple experience with. Took some photos afterwards but the security guard kept chasing us out because we weren't allowed to gather. What the heck! A representative from Asiasoft also tagged along for the trip to gather some feedback. And he gave us postcards and a car decal which I'm unable to use.

Well, still smiling. Enjoy the cute photos of the plush toys. The purple is the wild cargo while the white one is the yeti (transformed). Cute aren't they? Kawaaii (correct spelling?). Too bad their not for sale. You can only win them through competitions.

I hid myself from people.
Not a lot know this.
The true me has never been shown.
For I will be looked down upon.
Fear and lies still surrounds.
Completing their ever elusive forms.
How I wish I could take this all away.
But it keeps coming back.
My frowns shows an 8.
But I feel a 20.
What people see, I can only shake my head.
For they have no idea.
When I keep quiet, don't ask me if I'm ok.
You know I'm not.
I worry too much.
But people don't see.
Don't ask me why I'm doing this.

Tears don't just fall for no reason.

Brown!

Thanks Az for the test. Here's my result.

You're brown, a credible, stable color that's reminiscent of fine wood, rich leather, and wistful melancholy. Most likely, you're a logical, practical person ruled more by your head than your heart. With your inquisitive mind and insatiable curiosity, you're probably a great problem solver. And you always gather all of the facts before coming to a timely, informed decision. Easily intrigued, you're constantly finding new ways to challenge your mind, whether it's by reading the newspaper, playing a trivia game, or composing a piece of music. Brown is an impartial, neutral color, which means you tend to see the difference between fact and opinion easily and are open to many points of view. Trustworthy and steady, you really are a brown at heart.

If at times you feel you want to cry
And life seems such a trial
Above the clouds theres a bright blue sky
So make your tears a smile.

As you travel on lifes way
With its many ups and downs
Remember its quite true to say
One smile is worth a dozen frowns.

Among the worlds expensive things
A smile is very cheap
And when you give a smile away,
You get one back to keep.

Happiness comes at times to all
But sadness comes unbidden
And sometimes a few tears must fall
Among the laughter hidden.

So when friends have sadness on their face
And troubles round them piled
The world will seem a better place
And all because you smiled.

HO HO HO!

Had a get together at the medical centre this afternoon. On my leave day? Ya. At least they didn't talk about Army stuff. If not I would have left. Seriously.

The food was alright, the presents was alright too but seeing everyone happy, laughing and minggling with each other really made me forget that I was in an Army camp, although most of them were in uniform. Photo-taking as usual, wedging too. Normal occasion, nothing special.

You don't have to wait till Xmas to give presents. Give to show that you care for the person, even if it not on Xmas day. Give not to expect anything in return, not to boast your riches but to just see the smile you put on other people's faces.

A smile is worth a thousand frowns.

And I got it alot today.

I do not care for people who do not care about me.

Do not pretend just to get my sympathy.

I have had enough, I'm changing polarity.

Loading changes, will take long to complete.

So if I behave weirdly, just know that it is the in-between me.

Early Xmas!

Took this pics just now. Too early right?
Haha. And it wasn't decorated nicely too.
And the santa in the background.
Gotta go get my presents.

Ikaruga: Reapplied

IDEAL

"Alas, the Ikaruga departs.
What could make those people move,
Who were secluded against their will?
This is probably none other than
The very basic will to live"

TRIAL

"The more stubborn your own will is,
The more Trials you will be blessed with.
Of course, if you can avoid the Trials before your eyes,
It is also possible for you to flee them.
But the real purpose of a Trial
Is to make your soul stronger."

FAITH

"In this world there is nothing absolute,
One may someday feel unsure
And sometimes even feel lost.
In order to overcome this
One must have a strong Faith
And know how to take action."

REALITY

"And then Reality reared it's ugly head.
What did you seek...
What did you see...
What did you hear...
What did you think...
What did you do..."

METEMPSYCHOSIS

"And then the Karma will go back
To the will it belonged to before,
And will shake awake the First One,
The first conscious being still present
At the deepest corner of one's memories.
And so, the Ikaruga departs..."

"I am the One who allows you to live.
I told you to seek to walk down the right path...
Are you telling me you don't understand this?"

"You can't feel what you see...
But you can feel what you don't see.
Is that what you're trying to tell me?"

"You are aware of this, too, aren't you?
Until the very end of Time, you won't ever escape this Metempsychosis"

"And so... walk that path until the End, so you don't regret anything.

'I am not alive, thus I can't die.
I won't give up even if my Ideal isn't fulfilled.
My will, just as my regrets, won't ever die... '
We should all have known this!

Do you think we will ever see the Freedom?"


"Do you think... we did the right thing?
It's alright... I'm sure that sometimes,
The day will come where we understand each other.
And then we'll walk together into the far future...
Because Life is given from one generation to the next one"

Visit ikaruga.co.uk for cool mp3 downloads. Very cool music. Too bad the videos are down.

Fort Minor: Believe Me

"Believe Me"

[chorus]
I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me

I don't want to be the one to blame
You like fun and games
Keep playing em
I'm just sayin
Think back then
We was like one and the same
On the right track
But I was on the wrong train
Just like that
Now you've got a face to pain
And the devil's got a fresh new place to play
In your brain like a maze you can never escape the rain
Every damn day is the same shade of grey

Hey
I used have a little bit of a plan
Used to
Have a concept of where I stand
But that concept slipped right out of my hands
Now I don't really even know who I am
Yo, what do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen to me

[chorus]
I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me

Back then, I thought you were just like me
Somebody who could see all the pain I see
But you proved to me unintentionally
That you would self-destruct eventually
Now I'm thinking like the mistake I made doesn't hurt
But it's not gonna work
Cause it's really much worse than I thought
I wished you were something that you were not
And now this guilt is really all that I got

You turned your back
And walked away in shame
All you got is a memory of pain
Nothing makes sense so you stare at the ground
I hear your voice in my head when no one's around
What do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen to me

[chorus]
I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me

[bridge]

[chorus]
I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me

Do what i have to do
You're on your own now believe me

What ever happens to you
You're on your own now believe me

What do I have to say
You're on your own now believe me

It's not gonna happen to me
You're on your own now believe me

Ikaruga: Revisited

Played Ikaruga at the arcade just now when shopping with Vin for presents. HOHOHO!
Although the music was very loud, I enjoyed the game. Power man!
And the bosses looks ultra cool.
OKOK the game was like ultra old too but hey I enjoy this kinda games.

Have heard people commenting on my poems and how it's scaring everyone.
Well, I guess the role of the poems were served.
I don't wish to spell everything out cos if I do then what's the use of writing them down.
And what's up with the FEAR and LIES and me?
That's for me to know and for you to find out!
Feedback appreciated.

FEAR

me

LIES

STILL

FEAR

LIES

Precision is key,

the rest, secondary.

Make sure its sharp.

Its my turn now, I've recovered from your trap.

Pull back with all your might.

I'm going to put up a very mean fight.

Keep it steady.

ME

I promise I won't go easy.

Hold your breath.

I'll make sure I give you all I have.

Aim!

Shoot!

It's the end for you.

Swoosh!

BULLSEYE!

FEAR

LIES

Full Circle

Fear comes full circle

Couldn't be saved even if there's a miracle

Too late

End of fate

Blessings go

Overtaken by sorrow

Lies completes revolution

Its too late to find a solution

Its the end of the line

For whoever you can find

Defend me, build me a moat

Don't wanna be the scapegoat

[ME]

Lies comes full circle

I've been in too many cycles

I'm stuck in the middle

And it'll continue to dwindle

Sucked my emotions dry

Till I weep and cry


Fear completes revolution

Heating up, too much friction

Have to let go

Or else I'll blow

Don't act like you know, show me no pity

Cos you have no fucking idea how hard it is being me

Back to basics: Staying home

Didn't go anywhere today. Well I did go out but to the shop to get coconut milk for mum. Why am I saying all these? Haha. Guess I'm bored.

Woke up late today... 9+. There goes my motivation to have a morning run. Well. Maybe on Monday. Played maple today...was fun because we had this massive party and everyone was going crazy jumping, slashing, throwing stars, casting magic. Basically I didn't have that much fun in maple since a long time. Haiz... time's changed. Still a long way to level up but it's okay, 3rd job's not out anyway. Heehee.

Got songs that I wanted: Da Vincian Visions, The inn of the sixth happiness: Happy ending, The inferno and a few more. All at once. That was lucky.

Saw a book of another Japanese puzzles, not sudoku. I forgot the name but I got a new series of puzzles called nonogrid. Move aside Sudoku! It looks promising enough. There's other Japanese puzzles. Will looked through it after completing or given up on the current puzzles. The address is on the chatterbox. No instructions there. Haha if you want can ask me.

Thought of going running in the evening but it rained. Hmm...when can I have a decent exercise regime? Motivation slashed whenever possible. Tomorrow going to help Jacky move some stuff in the morning.

Jukebox: Da Vincian Visions

When you asked, I was delighted.
But when it happened, you disappeared.
I faded, you pretended.
You asked, I answered.
While I suffered, I wondered.
Not all was penned, some remained.
Shouldn't have tried, better failed.
Then lied, regretted.
Unreciprocated.

Movie review: King Kong

The original story (I think) :
http://www.filmsite.org/kingk.html

This has got to be the best movie so far after Shrek 2, although it was a long show; about 3 hours long and the inconsiderate teens who sat in front of us.

I didn't watch the original story or read about it anywhere. All I know is that King Kong was a giant ape, and he climbed some tall building, carrying a girl and pounding his chest. That is all.

The remake or rather a re-tale by Peter Jackson receives my two-thumbs up, one for the emotional storyline and second, the real-looking King Kong and all the other digusting creatures.

Watch it to really experienced the full effect of it. I will not spill much. Maybe I have forgotten the show. Maybe...

All I could think of right now is another alternative title for the movie:


Love: Interrupted.

Never receiving, forever giving

When life stares long enough,
look away from it.
Hoping in vain, [F]
Preventing pain.
Nothing gained.

Looking far, blurred with tears inside.
A drop escaped the prison in me,
a cold drop. [E]
Leaving a trail of hurt,
never to be recalled.
Forever...

Dried tears yearned to be cleaned,
to be wiped,
leaving no trail,
leaving no pain. [M]
But I refuse to.
Let it...
Never regarded it.

Making me curl up in the corner,
eyes welled once more.
Never once did. [E]
Never expected it.
Never.

Fearing fear.
Lost in translation,
never found, [A]
never expected.
Never.

Remembering the past:
of hatred deep,
of unreciprocatancy. [R]
Meaning distorted,
by cultured hatred

Back to basics: Nursery Rhymes

Hmmm... nursery rhymes has been with us for a very long time. Its origin is mostly unknown.
However, tales such as Jack and Jill, Humpty Dumpty, rock a bye baby and many others have their stories end in tragic accidents.

Why?

I have been asking the questions myself. This websites explains the medical side of it.

Head injuries in nursery rhymes: evidence of a dangerous subtext in children's literature

http://www.cmaj.ca/cgi/content/full/169/12/1294

Somehow I find some of the information funny. But it's no laughing matter.

Well, did more research and found out some truths. Get ready to be shocked.

http://www.answerbag.com/a_view.php/21273

[l]Surging pain,[l]

[F]remorse gained.[F]

[i]Reigning wrath,[i]

[E]wasted draft.[E]

[e]Sparking [ME]hatred,[e]

[A]future fated.[A]

[s]Overcoming disdain,[s]

[R]hoping vain.[R]

YOU! (revisited)

5th annual jc band festival held at the Esplanade this year.

Meeting time was at 6:15p.m at City Hall MRT station for dinner before we make our way to the Esplanade for the concert. Well some arrived late and we had to rush through our dinner. Well if you set the time, you jolly well be there on time. And what's with the pointing fingers? Just admit you were late and apologise... is it that hard? Not even a sorry. When people who were supposed to be late can come earlier than those who were suppose to be early, something is definitely wrong.

Strike 1...you are near the line. My line!

You just stood there.

Was it too much to ask for?

I had to practically herd the bunch to hurry up as Vin was waiting for us. Chatting about what? Only God knows. No sense of urgency. What happened to punctuality? I wasn't the one who was late.

Strike 2...don't you dare go through. I'm warning you!

You just stood there.

You knew me well to know.

The concert started off badly in my opinion but it soon picked itself up. Through the songs that they played, I could remember my old days when I was in the band. Swollen mouth, painful fingers and long hours are just some of the bad times. I could still remember the fun of sectionals and combined practises and the stress of having to conduct the band. Those are now only memories tucked safely in my mind. Though the band only managed to clinch a silver award, the satisfaction of having played our best during the SYF competitions paid off, even if it was silver. The days of band in JC wasn't that memorable as I didn't participate actively then. Besides they transfer me to trombone. Shucks man! I miss euphonium.

During the interval, a drop of tear nearly came out.
Was it the memories?
Was it them?
Was it the songs?
I didn't know. But I held it, not wanting to let the others see.

The concert ended rather splendidly with a rather interesting repetition of 'this old man' which I enjoyed the most. I felt so jealous because they get to perform at the Esplanade. But it was a very good show I must say.

The concert ended late at 10:30p.m. We took a few photos outside the main building. I had cover tomorrow morning so I told them to make it quick because the gate closes at midnight. And as usual no one hears me, they fiddled over the camera, chatted about the show...basically something that could be done once we decided where to go next.

Strike 3...when I burst you better flee.

You did not come forward.

I needed console when I blow.

OUT!

And that was when I lost my temper. I bursted, not exploded. Did I regret? Why should I? Some of them certainly have no respect for people's feelings. Do I hate them? Maybe now I should, for that reason. For those who came to cool me down, thanks! I wanted to do that for a very long time.

Disappointment

Time

Time heal all wounds.
Not mine I say.
They are here to stay.

Time waits for no man.
Why does it have to wait?
I'm way ahead of it.

Time flies when you are having fun.
With fun such as these,
I soar with it.

In tribute to my 100th post

Through the times that I spent blogging, I realised that my perceptions has changed tremendously. I used to blog about things that were trivial like what I did for the day, what songs I'm currently listening to or the games that I'm playing. But now, as I re-read my past entries, I come to face my fear of writing down my emotions and thoughts.

Through the loneliness in SISPEC HQ to the tribulations of friendship with Thomas to the numerous poems, my blog has been a reflection of my life this past year. As I looked back through the entries, I saw lessons learnt along the way, lessons that you learn when you recall the past.

Life is a journey that I want to write down and share with all.

Went out for lunch with Vin, Kel and Thomas just now at Breeks. Though the service was slow, one of the waitress caught my eye. She smiled at me for like countless times. Haha. On cloud nine now. But somehow it appears to me that I moght have seen her somewhere before though I cannot remember where. Before we left, while the staffs of Breeks said goodbye to us in unison, she smiled at me, making my day. Love at first sight? Maybe?

Well for all I can recall, that was the only good thing that happened today.
Why do I say that?

Unreciprocated

is all I can say.

Pain: of hurt and busted ego.
Joy: of love and not letting go.
Anger: of fury and alter ego.

Feel

Went to Esplanade again with Kelvin and Vin yesterday (just now actually).

What brought me to the place?

Looking at the towers from across feels like my problems are away.
Feeling the gentle breeze on my face cools me from all the anger.
Feels like the darkness envelopes me from the ever burning life in the morning.
Being transported to a place where I have no identity... how I felt.
The feel of the grass, I just want to lie down.

How I never want to leave the place to be back...undescribable feeling.

Unreciprocated

A few incidents happened these past few weeks made me feel unreciprocated. Does the word even make sense? As long as I know what it means I'm satisfied.

Things don't always go as planned.
Surely everyone knows that.
Surely everyone experienced it.
Surely everyone learned something from it.

But unreciprocated means something else.
Something I don't wish to be petty about.
Something I don't wish to spell every letter out.
Something I don't wish to feel and be guilty about.

What I just want... what I just want.
Is for you to know me.
Is for you to understand.
Is for you to walk in my shoes.

Chasing emptiness,
staring blankness,
hoping.
experiencing loneliness,
living darkness,
unreciprocated.

Repertoire
Yagisawa - A Symphonic Tone Poem "And then the ocean glows"
Appermont - Noah's Ark
R.V. Williams - Sea Songs

Ticheli - American Elegy
Ketslbey - In a Persian Market
Smith - Emperata Overture
Hisaishi - Howl's Moving Castle
Texidor - Amparito Roca

RW Smith - Ithaca from the Odyssey (Symphony No.2)
Bennett - Suite of Old American Dances mvt 1 and 4
Menken - The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Reed - Alleluia Laudamus Te
Tatebe - Suite on Celtic Folk Songs
Amano - Festival March
Arnold - 'Happy Ending' from the Inn of Sixth Happiness

The path I walked

Straight it never was,
long it ever will be.

Alone I was when I begin,
but now friends behind me.

The path that I walk.

My pics have landed....

and here is what they look like



(from the left: Nuralifa, Me, Shahrizan, Hidayat)



Well if you are wondering who they are they are my JC2 classmates.

DIDO: Life for rent

"Life For Rent"
I haven't ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me
It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

Hate - the enemy of Love

Because of a certain someone, the word hate has been in my mind most of the time so I decided to dwell a bit into the topic and the word.

Firts the meaning:
To feel hostility or animosity toward.
To detest.
To feel dislike or distaste for: hates washing dishes.
To feel hatred.
Intense animosity or dislike; hatred.
An object of detestation or hatred: My pet hate is tardiness.

Next, the synonym:
abhorrence, abomination, anathema, animosity, animus, antagonism, antipathy, aversion, bete noire, black beast, bother, bugbear, destination, detestation, disgust, dislike, dog-eye, enmity, execration, frost, grievance, gripe, hatred, horror, hostility, ill will, irritant, loathing, malevolence, malignity, mislike, nasty look, nuisance, objection, odium, pain, rancor, rankling, repugnance, repulsion, resentment, revenge, revulsion, scorn, shudders, spite, trouble, venom
(though I don't agree some of them)

Finally, the antonym:
like
love

Taken off Dictionary.com

Hate or hatred is an emotion of intense
revulsion, distaste, enmity, or antipathy for
a person, thing, or phenomenon; a desire to avoid, restrict, remove, or destroy
its object.
Hatred can be based on fear of its object,
justified or unjustified, or past negative consequences of dealing with that
object. Hatred is often described as the opposite of love or friendship; others
consider the opposite of love to be indifference. See love-hate
relationship.
Hatred is not necessarily irrational or unusual. It is
reasonable to hate people and organizations that threaten or inflict suffering
on oneself, or whose survival interests are directly opposed to one's own.
People hate impediments to their health and wellbeing. Popular objects of hate
include fascism, communism, nazism, war, slavery
and genocide. Often 'hate'
is used casually to describe things one merely dislikes, such as a particular
style of architecture, a demographic of people, a certain climate, a bad movie,
one's job, or some particular food.
"Hate" or "hatred" is also used to
describe feelings of prejudice or bigotry
against a group of people, such as racism, and intense
religious prejudice. Hate crimes are
crimes committed out of hatred in this sense. Sometimes people, when harmed by a
member of an ethnic or religious group, will come to hate that entire group.
This is not socially acceptable, as Western culture frowns on collective
punishment and insists that people be treated as individuals rather than members
of groups.
Hate is often a precursor to violence. Before a war, it is often
useful to train the populace to hate some nation or political regime. Hatred
remains a major motive behind armed conflicts such as war and terrorism. It is
not easy to know when hate is logical and when it has become counterproductive
and self-perpetuating.

Nothing interesting here caught my eye except the fact that 'hate is often a precursor to violence'. It's hard to differentiate between hate and dislike. It may seem the same to you but for me it means a lot. For me hate is a strong word which I will try to avoid labelling a person. Maybe dislike is more suitable to label some of the people I met along my life. When a person is disliked, I feel that he/ she is bound to change for the better that if he knows that he/she is hated.

Summary:
dislike - positive
hate - negative

Yaya I know that both words are negative in nature but what I'm trying to bring up is the degree of it. Why am I bringing all this up and probably wasting your time? Because it is bothering me right now and it may one day bother you. And preaching at the same time,

How can there be love when there's hatred

HATE

How I hate you!
All this while you think you know me.
Ha! Not even close.
The smile that you see, all fake. FAKE!
I detest your actions from the start, can't you see?
How obvious can I be?
Get this in your thick skull!
The pretense was a well-orchestrated show.
You fell for it, I'm not picking you up.
Rot there for all I care.
Pure hatred dwell in me.
Hate me if you must for I HATE YOU!

Saw the book at MPH yesterday at CityLink Mall. Decided to browse the book. Had a few laughs amonst us. Had to list down some that I can remember.

Diaryhea:
an uncontrollable need to write in one's personal journal

Sawrong:
a Malaysian skirt wrapped around the body wrongly

Toylet:
a dollhouse bathroom

Dustination:
where dirt ends up

Guardener:

a person whose services are engaged when a "keep of the

grass" sign fails

Quick before I forget

Kel and I went to the esplanade this afternoon. Actually I suggested going there because I wanted to go to the library there. I got much more than that.

The library was a bit special in a sense that it caters to the arts. Here you can find videos, CD recordings and scores to cater to the sights and sounds of the arts. Didn't really take a look at the scores so maybe I will come down again late this month just to browse through. We were lucky enough to watch a performance in the library itself by child prodigies and teenagers playing the guitar, piano and singing. From what I can recall I heard Beautiful by Christina Aguilera, Silent Night, Country Roads and A Whole New World. There were more but I couldn't recall.

After exploring the premises and snapping photos on camera phones while looking like enthusiastic tourists, we had our dinner at marina Square before resuming out tour round the esplanade. We came back just in time to catch an outside performance as part of Pesta Raya. Really appreciate the dance put up showcasing the gracefulness of women and the energetic men in the malay community. After a few more snapping sessions, we made our way to the merlion where we had more snapping lessons. Now waiting for him to send me the photos...and waiting...and waiting...Kel where are you man!

Well happy story aside. Prior before we reach the esplanade while on the train ride to City Hall, he told me his 'story'. Army stuff if you must know. During the talk I couldn't help it but feel that I could have at least make him feel better about this whole issue instead of just listening and nodding at the right places. I have to admit I was shocked but somehow I expected it to happen. I just wasn't prepared to hear the whole 'story'. Didn't know that he had it this bad. I just wanted him to feel better about the whole thing. But somehow I couldn't say it. Only ocassional 'yeah i agree' and 'maybe...' Feeling lousy at this moment.

Pinning him to the ground, I finally had him in my grasp.

"You can't run away now. You elusive ba***rd!" I said, still panting heavily from all the chasing. In my heart, I'm satisfied if this is as far as it goes.

"Let me go. What are you trying to do. I thought you were on my side".

I was struck deep. I didn't play sides with anyone. I play by my own cards. I bend to nobody's will but God's. So I'm taken aback by his response.

"What the hell do you think you are doing? Trying to ruin yourself? Can't you see what you are doing to yourself?" Sweat poured down my face and landed on his face. Let it be I thought. It can enter his eyes for all I care.

"What wrong have I done? I didn't hurt anybody. Why do you care so much? They certainly didn't spare a thought for me! Now let me go b***h!"

He was screaming and at the end of it he spit on my face. Too bad I don't give a damn. I had to approach this carefully, considering that it may have a deep impact on him. I intend to wake him up but not to hurt him. A dozen strings of thoughts came to me; sieving through them will be good.

"Don't you know that people care for you! Every actions, everything that you say people notice! I can be a testament to that! I can hear what they are talking about. Stop behaving like you're in baby school, for God's sake!" Am I making sense? All was shrouded by anger.

At that moment as if all of the worlds evil came surging towards me I stab him with a knife that I kept in my pocket for times like this. Why should I regret?

Following on that thought, I moved on to my next target...

Alter ego taking a stab

You all have done enough to upset him,
you insensitive creatures who just want what's best for yourself.

He has been keeping very quiet about this all this while,
he wants to keep it longer but I decided to step in fearing he will explode one day.

He nearly did yesterday but I stopped him.

Do you know that when he keeps to himself the only one that comforts him is me?

When he stays in the corner, he feels dismay at what he sees,
what everyone is doing outside him is really wearing him down.

He gets tired seeing this.

Don't worry, it'll be over soon I always tell him but occassionally he won't listen.

If this is a taste of the working world then I'm afraid he will taste a bitter medicine.

Can't you see the signs? I can.

When words dwindle and thoughts wonder,
soon enough the feelings will too.

So spare a thought for him, even if it's a bit.

He's a creature of emotions too, like all of you.

If it hurts me to write this down for all to see imagine how he would feel.

I really can't take this anymore!

FUCK!

Instructions for block leave:

Time: 1st to 4th December 2005
Venue: Anywhere but Army camps

Attire: Civillian with no hints of camo
Things to bring: Camera phones, mp3 player, etc.

Overview:
This time for 4 days you get to experience what it is like to be a civillian again, a change from te usual 2 day weekends. This is a reward for your hard work (yeah right!). In the days to come, no references to the Army is advised but doing so doesn't warrant you to any penalty except the reminder that you have to be back next week.

Special instructions:
Take this 4 days to unwind yourself and release all the built up stress in you. Hang out with friends, play some games, sleep, participate in sports or stay at home. It is your choice. But do not overdo it as safety is still the chief concern. Please exercise caution when moving near Army camps as it may arouse negative emotions concerning your Army life.

Places to avoid:
Beach Road
Army camps
Barber


Member of the 'I love leave' comittee