When I'm gone,
will you still remember me?
When I'm gone,
do you know where I'll be heading?
When I'm gone,
will you feel my suffering?

I don't know why this feeling comes back to me again all of a sudden. Is it because I'll be setting my foot on a foreign land on Friday, a land where everybody's a stranger, a land where my fear is realised? 2 more days before Singapore will be but miles away from where I'll be.
And now I'm frantically trying to organise my life, to plan for my future, to settle debts, even scores and say goodbye all at the same time. It's no mean feat to leave everything to be in a new place where your identity there is nothing but a soldier. A soldier whose job is to take orders from superiors and whose valid actions are those stated in directives. 2 more days till I'm on that foreign land, I will make friends, I will make enemies, I will weep and cry, I will moan and I will sigh. All while proving to myself that this is what will push me on to continue, even when I stumble.

A month will seem like eternity.
What will be poison what will be cure?
My tolerance stretched beyond time,
my perseverance showed in the currency known as blood.
My screams and rantings drowned by my fears.

When I'm back,
will you remember me?
When I'm back,
will you greet with wide open arms?
When I'm back,
will you share my joy?

just joined deviantart. most of my deviations were originally in my blog.

http://rainboy5891.deviantart.com

Time passes by quickly these few days. As Thurday nears when I have to drag my way to the airport to catch a plane to Thailand... something I'm definitely not looking forward too. I bet the rest aren't that excited either. Will try to occupy myself these few days before peering out of my comfort zone when I'm in Thailand to face harsh weather, excersises, people and the feeling of being away from home. Having faced Brunei, I think that I'll do just fine.

Being quite a pessimist, I can see the trip to be a very trying one for all. For one thing tension is already high amongst us. What will being away from family, confinement to camp and tonnes of work do to us? Break us down further would be my guess.

I believe that the trip will be the ultimate test for everybody.
A test of integrity, loyalty, perseverence, tolerance, friendship, selflessness and others.
All taking place in a time frame of a month.

For some, the test starts tomorrow night.
For the rest, it starts on Thursday night.


No doubt: Running

Run
Running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side

Me
I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
I'm so sorry that I'm falling
Help me up lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love

Chorus:
Running, running
As fast as we can
I really hope you make it
(do you think we'll make it? )
We're running
Keep holding my hand
So we don't get separated

Be
Be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me
Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up

Repeat chorus twice
(the future)
Repeat chorus

Hmmm... this skin doesn't allow for multiple entries per day. Only 1 post per day is shown so I had to combine the entries.

I feel so fragile today,
cracked from yesterday.

Losing strength, slowly but surely.
I woke up feeling drained,
never wanting to wake up.
Just hide myself under the covers,
and away from the world.

I feel so fragile today,
breaking soon,
everything around me looks so brittle,
cracked from yesterday.

My friends would never understand,
they have problems to worry about.
Though I'm hoping for them to listen,
sit down and hear my story.
This is what I mean, unreciprocated.

I feel so fragile today,
breaking anytime now,
everything around me always doesn't last,
all cracked from yesterday.

Everyone has a story to share.
When they say that no one listens,
I feel invisible.
Am I that fragile,
that your story will seep through me?

I feel so fragile today,
I don't want to break,
everything around me are just shades,
all colours drained,
as all cracked yesterday.

Fluff me a pillow so I could lie down.
To rest my fragile body,
to tape my cracking mirror.
Make me a hot cup of tea,
to warm my cold heart.

I feel so fragile today,
please save me before I break,
everything around me put them away,
I need to mend my cracked mirror,
cracked from yesterday.

(no title)

Why should I drain myself writing about people who will depart from my life in a few months time? I should be writing about stuff that I'm more concerned about and enjoy writing about.

After book out today, me, Vin, Rus, Az and Iskandar went to IMM to shop at DAISO. With our heavy bags, we dragged ourselves around the mall. Why does IMM have to be so big? Haha. Ate at Bagus where I treated Rus to a meal for him winning the 5SIR idol. Hmmm... everybody ate a lot, Rus and I stumbling with chopsticks and discussing about some TV shows. Iskandar has weird thoughts. Scary.
We also got to see the sunset from our table. It was a nice and very warm view but too bad it only lasted for a few minutes. Damn!
DAISO was our only shopping place so we went in I was desparate to find a trolley to put my stuff (aren't u all tired of carrying the load?) Since everything was $2, I ws set to buy the whole store but I didn't have the money. Haha. So in the end I bought two pouches and some ornaments for my room. Looks cool, the sand and the stone thingy. Will put it all together tomorrow. By the time we finished shopping and burning holes in our pockets, the money changer had closed. Damn! It wasn't even 9 yet! But still IMM was packed with last minute shoppers grabbing bargains. As we snaked our way past the crowds to the exit, it's time to go home.

Hmmm... feels weird writing like this. Like some primary school kid writing a story. Haha. so lack of emotions. But sorry you guys, I'm so drained right now...

Rage is too mild to describe it

I nearly blew my top at them if not for Vin who told me to relaxed. But too bad it wasn't of any help. I'm damn pissed with their behaviours. I thought that the last day in camp before dearting to Thailand would make everybody treasure this place. Boy was I wrong!

What ticked me off was when Snr medic told us to clean the bunk. It was expected as we were going to vacate the bunk for a whole month and you could imagine the dusts and dirt that will collect during that time. Yet people were complaining. What the fuck was wrong with them!

And who did the most work cleaning the bunk? I would say Fairus because he was sweating like mad at the end of it. Some of us helped too. Notice that I used the word SOME. The REST didn't helped at all. They were sitting on beds, reading newspapers, talking bullshit, reading magazines. I'm not aginst those people who had to attend to stores or were busy with their final preparation or were not in the bunk for some reason or another. I could tell you that throughout the whole cleaning process they didn't even held the broom to sweep the bunk. Maybe there wasn't enough brooms to go around but there were other things to do. Things to be kept, rubbish bags to be thrown, tables to be re-arranged. And did they even credited those who helped them clean the bunk? NO!

And when all of us were waiting for them for last parade, they took their own sweet time. I gave you all a 2 thumbs up man! Always the first to book out, and you took so long to come for last parade. And when you came down you start asking questions like where is snr medic? why are we still staying here for? What do you expect? Snr medic have things to do. You can't expect him to be waiting for you! Am I pissed? You betcha life I am!

It was too much for me

The BCS team, honestly is breaking down... beyond repair. Everything was wrong, the picture that I see now... I could only shake my head. It I could say something I would say FUCK!

Painful for those who reads, more for me to point it out.
Don't they think that they are going too far with their behaviours?
They booked in late.
They want off all the time.
They do little work.
They demand privileges.
I mean wheres the sense of integrity.

This is the problem with the youth population. They are simply too pampered. Sometimes I just want to scream. To tell them off. All the politics, backstabbing, the hypocritism, all too much for me.

I know that they are going to ORD soon. But till then they should fucking behave like a soldier. They don't even behave like proper people now. Shame on those who leave their work to the rest. Do you expect people to clean up after you? You are fucking dreaming man! Wake up!

People slave all day while you are at home, sleeping, playing games, enjoying yourself. Have you ever spared a thought for them? I doubt so.

I have lost respect to people whom I once respected. They once were efficient, people who spared a thought for others, helping to complete the job so that all could rest. But now it seems that every man is on their own. Too much for me.
And the new medics, they are idling all day! They have no fucking idea what their job in the medical centre. Shouldn't they be thought...proper?

The reason I don't mix with them is that I'm fucking pissed. And they have the heart to say that in ATEC they suffer more. WHAT! Didn't you realise that you decided to go towards that? Don't use that as the reason to make us pity you!

Nothing I've said will change them so why bother. They are going to ORD soon. Till then... they can do whatever they please and I wouldn't even give a fucking damn!

The mirror that stood before me was once as unscathed as the reflection.
C
R
A
C
K
But lately cracks starts to form, the reflection turned many.
C
R
A
C
K
Now it stood before me once again but where is my one true reflection?

24/05/1922 - 24/01/2006

Today marks the departure of my grandfather from this world as he embarks on another journey, a journey that we will all go through.
As I was crying today, all I could think of was the loss that I felt,
the loss of a grandfather,
the loss of a family member,
the lost of a loved one.
He had lived a fulfilling life for his existence made mine possible.
He had 7 daughters and a son... 1 daughter passed away when I was young.
All these he left behind. No tears, however wide an ocean it filled will bring him back. He too left his loved ones behind.
But this world is just temporary, this world as God puts it "full of lies and deceits". Prepare your life for the life after death, where eternity is certain.
Memories are the only thing that is left now... I could still remember everytime any of his grandchild came over, he will, without fail, give us some money. Even if it's $2. I will always remember him as a person whom may be strict at times but he was loving and concerned as well, concerned about our well beings, even as he ages.

He is my grandfather... Sha-ad bin Hj Noor.

I finally get to visit my granfather after he was discharged from TTSH. And he didn't look any better.
He lies in a bed,
with a nasal prong,
supported by an oxygen amplifier,
chairs surrounds the bed,
cup of water at the table.
He was much thinner now, not wanting to eat or drink for the past few days.
He gasp for air every now and then.
Never saying anything.
Just lay there holding his hands near his chest.
My grandmother sat beside him and cried, my mum too.
I sat, holding myself back, holding the tears, trying to be strong.
He has been in this state for this few days.
Relatives come and go, reciting prayers into his ears.
I too recited the prayers that I could think of.
He doesn't look like he could hang in there any longer.

There isn't anything that we could do...
We could only watch...
We could only pray...
That he would live another day...

When it comes to this kind of taboo topics I don't dare to say anything that may offend anyone or be a jinx in anyway. My parents told me that he is preparing himself for his final stages. Even as I'm writing this down, my eyes are already welled with tears. I'm going to visit him soon with my family. The doctors say that there is nothing left to be done except give him medicines, medicines to numb the pain. But the pain is in all of our hearts, seeing him suffer.

When it comes to this kind of things, I really feel very weak. My mind becomes lost, everything lost its meaning.
I just couldn't smile, all I could do was frown.
I just couldn't think straight, all was distorted.

Please...help...me...

Oh God! Help me please! You are the only one I could turn to! Make me strong but
make him stronger!

21. That's how old I am today. That's how long I've been alive.

Went out with Vin and Kel this afternoon. Initially we wanted to watch Memoirs of a Geisha but the time slot wasn't convenient for us so we decided to skip the movie and watch it on another day.

Had dinner at Seoul Garden where we ate till our stomach was full although Kel said he wasn't. Haha. Hot oil spilling onto our skin. Hilarious man! We didn't even realise that it was raining outside. We then made our wasy to Far East where me and Kel bought something...

Chatted and took photos at Coffee Bean where they gave me my present. I enjoyed the card very much... very maplish. So long since I received any present.

Feeling too tired to blog today.

...crack...

Everybody's a winner

Today we celebrated our battalion's 37th anniversary at the chevrons. I couldn't believe that we had a great time. The performances and games organised and put up by the contestants were splendid.
Companies cheering their mates on.
Contestants singing their hearts out.
Laughing at the antics of audiences at 5 SIR idol.
Everybody singing a b'day song.
Watching people drinking a concoction made up of seaweed, milk, tuna, capsicum... eewww.
But the best was everybody in the med platoon walked home with something.
Fairus won the 5 SIR idol competitions (it was a hands-down thing).
Azri and Thomas won for HQ the inter-Coy DOTA competition.
Luqman and Izaazz drank the concoction, and their mouth stinks afterwards.
While the rest of us took part in the Lord Of The Rings game where we came in 3rd (though we cheated).
The food was okay though we didn't have much time to eat.

I have in the Army long enough for me to forget how different indivuals can be. Behind the camoed uniform that we wear everyday lies indivuals with unique talents and behaviours. Be it singing, dancing, gaming, planning, talking or writing, they were brought together, each with their own different background to come together for a common goal but somehow the Army rarely provides outlets for talents like these to be nurtured in the Army.

Take a hint

Hmmm...2 more days till the big day. Just remembered that I have to leave hints. Haha. Well I didn't really give it so much thought. But here is my wishlist... if you consider it as one.

All I want for my 21st b'day:
something simple
spend time with close friends
looking at my past years
practical or not I don't care... nothing also nevermind
but if you're getting something... I would prefer something that I could use
I don't want to be reminded of my age... I know I'm turning 21!
going to places I love, doing the things that I love (kinda selfish huh?)
well it's gonna be my day... so surprise me man!

Hope it helps because I didn't think it out.

The one meant for today

Today was like part 2 of yesterday. I thought that yesterday was tiring but today was even worse as tasks pilled up, rest was limited and mood swings... well plenty. Today somehow I felt more tired as I didn;t get enough sleep. I'm always thinking too much. Someone please numb me please!

I'm tired of people looking at me, judging me in whatever I do, talking behind my back. All those I've had enough. I've come to hate...something that I was not capable of in the past. I've had to get away from all the commotions, the antics and what-have-you. All the childishness in the medical ctr. The hiding of handphones...how childish can you get! People are working their butts off and running here there, getting items, printing stuffs and asking for help and all you did was run with handphones, hiding it and making such a raquet. Plain childishness I have to say to them.

But I have to say this to all...some people lead a 2-faced life in army. Once they are dismissed, they forget who they are around, they ignore everyone, changing as quickly as possible to get out of camp. The unity just isn't there anymore. The ORD mood has set in and is creating a havoc in medical ctr. Now...there are only a few that I'm comfortable talking to, the rest are just strangers to me. The rest are just a reminder of the past, where we sat down, all 12 of us, and talked and joked till the day is done. Time went by faster that way. Now all is lost...and I don't plan to salvage any of them...

The one that was meant for yesterday

I've never had that many friends on the verge of being my enemies. They thread on thin lines: integrity, loyalty and responsibility. As I say this, they walked out, leaving the thing that is entrusted to them. As the day closes to my 21st b'day, I'm unsure who my friends are. I've lost a lot along the way which I regretted. But now I don't mind losing a few. Maybe what Vin say is true, how can we still be friends after ORD.

That night we booked out late as there was buddy aid going on. Ya ya its always about the army. But later that night me and Vin went to town to Heeren at first and then to Cineleisure for late dinner. It was a long time since I've been to nights off with anyone. Hmmm...although the time was short, it was quite not a waste as I got something that I wanted (you would think I would reveal it here?).

The day I ORD gets nearer everyday. I learnt a lot from these 2 years plus I've been in this hell. Its a harsh world out there. You would think that the Army is better? Well you are ever so wrong. In my 20 years of my living life, I've never seen such politics, such backstabbing, such hypocritism, such lying and pretending all under one roof.
But of all these, the thing that pissed me off, the thing that made my blood boil is abusing of authority. I hate it when people expect you to do something for them just because they are of lower rank. Ask me politely and I'll gladly obliged, with sincerity. You don't order me around like some pet, giving me restrictions like I'm some kid on a curfew.

You don't!!!!

In her shoes...

Caught up with BMT mates this afternoon; Yi Hua, Eugene and Isaac. Long time since I last saw them. We had lunch at Long J at Cineleisure by the way. Somehow town wasn't packed as it usually was. I wonder why. Whatever the case, only more space for me to walk on. Haha. Did some catching up on Army...as usual.

We caught In her shoes. At first I thought it was some chick flick that exploits on sex... which is like the more rampant toics around but upon watching the show I was proved wrong. The show was good, wait wait, cancel that. The show was superb. I loved it. It was unlike any show I've ever watched. The show discusses about love, friendship, career, family, trust, betrayal, secrets, aging and much more. Of course most of it was in between the lines kind of thing. I nearly cried at the end of it. Haha. What's up with that? This is one danm good movie where special effects wasn't even required. Hmmm... I could recall the poems...

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

-- Elizabeth Bishop

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

--E e Cummings

Some things never change...

Just came back from a 4D3N exercise. I don't sound tired because I was attached to the MORTAR team which didn't have to walk but instead took a 1.5 tonner since they have this bulky things that needed to be pulled around. We were always behind enemy line, I didn't get to see the main body at all. All activtes of the MORTAR team was hidden behind enemy line. It wasn't a bad experience at all like some described to me. They were a friendly bunch. Besides I don't have to walk the tiring night walk so I was spared some physical exhaustion that haunts my fellow comrades when they arrived back to camp.

The tired faces spelled shaggedness but still I could see hints of relief as we were one step closer to our final mission, that is ATEC in February. 1 more war to fight till I ORD. When I stepped into the medical centre to greet my fellow medics that were shagged to their core, I suddenly sense the feeling, the segregation as usual that is the BCS. With the existence of the new medics, somehow our bonds were broken even further. Thank goodness I was going to ORD soon.

Not my day...

Lets start the day by saying that today was Hari Raya Haji or better Hari Raya AidilAdha. Things was not good from the time I woke up.
It was raining and I didn't go for the morning prayers. And my mind was thinking of Stingray 3 all the way. On the taxi trip to my grandma's house, I kept staring emptily out the window, the downpour was going to carry on for the days to come, and I'm going to get drenched all the way.

What the heck!

Never mind that, after visiting my grandma from my fathers side, I visited my sick grandpa at TTSH. Unlike previous years where we would visit my aunts house, this year we have to visit my grandpa in the hospital. Seeing the drip that runs through his aging veins, seeing the nasal catether running behind his ears, I could only pray that God would be light on him.I felt sad knowing that his time is near. I just hope that I will be there with him. And knowing that Thailand is waiting next month, I just felt fear.

Too bad the weather did the crying for me.

And again hearing the takbir yesterday brought a few tears out.

Oh God Almighty! To You I seek to lighten the burdens on me, my
family and my friends. To You I pray for their safety on earth and the hereafter
for you are the merciful One. Show them the guidance to the true path, a path
that will lead to You. I pray for my gandfather, who is not in a good condition,
for You to bless him with riches surpassing his age. Remove all our fears of the
unknown and restore peace and calmness in our daily lives. Restore peace on
Earth, the citizens of the Earth has long deserve the riches that You have to
offer. Make us Your humble guests in Your everlasting heaven and save us all
from hellfire. Amin.

Jukebox: Battle of the Heroes

and the rained continued to pour

The weather only dampen our spirit to continue our week as the ex draws nearer than ever. Come tomorrow we will do our final preparation for ex stingray 3 from Wednesday to Saturday. Our past BCS medics now were split into companys as there wasn't enough manpower to go around. In the end only 4 stay true to the BCS. Even I didn't stay with them as I was attached to the Mortar team. We'll see how it goes.

During the briefing that senior medic gave in the conference room this morning, I could see that the morale dropped as he mentioned about the plan for the exercise and what we were going to do there. Let's face it, no one likes to go outfield. Leaving the comforts of concretes to go to the forest, who would want that? Behind the smiles, the frowns, the laughter and the fooling around, everybody is worried about the exercise. And with the rainy season commencing full blown, rain was expected.

...crack...

Laughter, the best medicine

Had thousands of laughs yesterday. Well not literally.
Did duty with Vin yesterday and watched 12 episodes of FRIENDS and Scary Movie 3. I was like laughing all the way. I couldn't even remember when I laughed so hard. Being in the medical centre, I could laugh as loud as I wanted and that was what happened. The louder I laughed, the less stress I felt. Maybe it was the medicine I was looking for all this while. Although Scary Movie wasn't that funny funny, it was lame funny and what the heck, I just laughed.

Hahahahaha.

Our marathon ended at 11 + but Vin wanted to watch The Incredibles. I was like like anything and we ended up watching it till 1. Haha. By the time the show ended I was like half-sleeping. But still smiling. I slept well without realising that I was in the medical centre.

Hahahahaha.

Even if you don't laugh, SMILE :)

Cracking mirror

Had BCS building today at the field. Though we didn't have full strength since most of the old guys were on leave, we managed to have xtra guys. Even the guys on duty helped out. The new medics were orientated to the BCS in terms of their individual roles. In the end I was appointed as ropeman. I was like ??. How the hell should I know that. But soon realise that my job was one of the easiest. Haha. But we still had to help out once our primary role is completed.
Putting on SBO and helmet really stinks. Literally. It reek of odour since it has been in my duffel bag since AMPT and putting it on didn't really got me in the mood as we had to phisically bring all the stores to the field, yes all of it, even the bakar poles. Talk about training man.
But in the end we learnt a lot of new tricks of the trade in how we can score during ATEC. Wayanging was the key. But obviously I can't wayang when we have to march endlessly. And that is my major concern for every exercise.
Feeling tired now. And a funny thing happened. I went to eat with Kel at Long J at BP and during the middle of my meal I realised that my mum was cooking spaghetti today. I was like wtf. Haha and as soon as I reached home, I grabbed a bowl and, of course, ate it without considering that I just ate. Haha. I'm so going to gain weight. We'll see how it goes.

I walked alone

Today I walked down portsdown gate feeling a sense of loneliness. Where's the usual crowd that walks with me? They were clearing their leave, on duty or covering. But somehow I welcomed the feeling, it has been a long while since I walked home alone, feeling the sense of emptiness, getting to reflect what happened during the day and putting it away as I made my way home.

there's a reason why I cracked the mirror

and the rain continue to fall...

Went to accompany Rus to Orchard in the evening with Azri as he was going to sing for a charity event. Counting today it's his fourth time performing for the event. What can I say... they want him. haha.

As usual he sang his hearts out to the numbers of I swear and Nothing's gonna change my love for you. I wasn't sure what happened but everytime he was on stage to sing, the rain just gets heavier until the time he was off. Hmmm...coincidence. Maybe. Though there wasn't a lot of people around the stage, he still put up a good performance. Bravo!


Then there was a game segment. There wasn't a lot of people as I mentioned so Azri and I took part and guess what? We won! Haha what a way to start the new year. It wasn't that difficult as all we had to do was either identify the song title or name the artist who sang the song. Azri got Dancing Queen by ABBA while I got I love rock & roll by Britney Spears. Way to go man!

We then had our dinner at PS and as usual I played Ikaruga again but this time I got better. I got to chapter 4-2, the furthest I've been. Although the 3rd boss saw me wasting at least 2 lives, I got to pratice what I saw on the video. Confusing shit man! Even Azri commented that the game requires a lot of mental strength. It's only in realising the patterns. Once you got it, it will flow. Haha.

In a gentle rain

The gentle rain greeted the new year.
Softly as it falls, blessing the world with its heavenly presence.
The cool breeze came after, an envelope of protection that I felt.
The sun was behind the clouds, afraid to destroy the gentle cold.
The clouds blankets the whole sky, an endless mural of serenity.
I felt as ease today as the gentle rain greeted the new year.

It's all the little things that affect me in ways that they shouldn't