What makes me different

As people struggle to clear what's their's,
I struggle to keep mine alive.


As they stood out proud of what's left,
I stood taller for I keep it longer.


As we prepare for the future for it is bleak,
I make myself present,and that's enough for me.

The second part: conclusion

Well I didn't include all the photos because some of it are to obscene. Haha. Now I'm still having this pain on my back due to the burn. Ouch!!

The first part

Hmmm... it took so long to upload the pictures so I decided to split it into 2 posts.

The pictures

All was fun as we sit and chat,

at the end I can say we were well met.

Yesterday Vin, Chandra and Kohgulan came over for lunch. Didn't want to elaborate further. Enjoy the pics...

intermission

Sunday afternoon and I'm at home facing my computer. Today happens to be resting day for me; it has been a long time since I stayed at home for 1 day straight. Not going out today.

Played maple in the morning just now. Now a bit bored of it. Haha but I plan on training a bit at a time. Well today I'm not spending time outdoors so might as well train up... ya both my maple character and me myself. Starting to put on quite some pounds. Hmm.. maybe should start training... better find some motivation.

Tomorrow taking off and planning to go to Sentosa with Vin tomorrow. Hope the weathers fine then if I'm lucky can catch a glimpse or rather stare at girls. Haha. Hmmm... felling so bored now. Can somebody please occupy me with something...anything.

In times like this I rest and recuperate,

in hope or surviving the week ahead.

Today i sleep like there's no tomorrow,

tomorrow I play to drown my sorrow.

Reunion...

Wow! I'm still smiling from yesterday's reunion with my JC clique after so long of not seeing them, more than a year in fact. Well it didn't start of good as Shahrizan was late as she her boss had some last minute job for her so Hidayat and me went for our Maghrib prayers first and decided to meet Suhaila and Shahrizan at Breeks when we were done.

Well dinner was good. It was so long since I laughed hard. Most of them didn't changed much. Haha. Hidayat is thinner now but is now much more bitchier. Suhaila also tagged along with Hidayat's bitchiness. And Shahrizan looked a bit more mature. Well, matureness comes with age but only for certain people... not you Suhaila, you're still the same. Talking during dinner about what we're doing now because everybody's kind of going their own way. Hidayat's a medic at CCO Stagmont (so jealous of him to get a camp near my house), Suhaila's now studying at NUS majoring in Life Sciences and Shahrizan is working in IMCB while studying part time.

Well during dinner Hidayat's and Suhaila's bitchiness really made me laughed. Sorry for using the word 'sparingly' but he's been using the word as if they grow on trees. After thousands of laughs and a full stomach we went to wait for Nuralifa at Centrepoint's McDonald's. She's now studying Law and Management at Temasek Poly and is also the rugby captain of the school team. Wow! She came to meet us after her rugby training wearing some skimpy clothing which Hidayat called Bitch wear. I totally agree. Well nothing much happened as we recalled much about our JC days and our current work situations. Couldn't help it but felt awkward around Suhaila with them all around. She looked gorgeous wearing the tudung yesterday although she looked a bit thin.

We head towards home after that, not forgetting to bitch while in the MRT. Haha. Wished I was back in JC man. No politics. Well, I'm looking forward to the next meeting.

No one was seen as individuals,

altogether we made aquaintance

Turncoat

It's amazing how the absence of some people affected how our medical centre life is run.After orientating the new medics through Ops Menolong yesterday, I learnt that they are as shy and not open as I was when I first came to 5 SIR. Although they are a bit open, I was very reserved when I came here. But that aside. Thats better left untold.

Well today it's the 5 new medics and the 5 old medics. kk we are not old, just a bit experience. With the absence of some, the medical centre today is very quiet without any inteference, arrowing or noisy complains to be heard at every corner. I actually felt good being in the medical centre after a very long time. Now when was the last time I felt this good...haha nevermind.

I could walk freely today thinking that there won't be anyone to stop me asking for this or that. Or is it because most of the men are not in camp. I couldn't feel happier :)

happiness echoes through my
actions,

problems that plague were cut to
fractions.

Meditations

Currently reading 365 meditations for a peaceful heart and a peaceful world by Markus Braybrooke and forund something that I really enjoyed and thought that I would share it with all.

When the alarm goes do you turn over and wish that it were not morning? Can
you remember when you were a child, perhaps on your birthday, and morning could
not come soon enough? Sir John Templeton, a wee-known businessman and
philanthropist now in his nineties, once told me that as soon as he woke up he
said, "thank you." A young man with severe rheumatoid arthritis told me the
same. When he woke he was grateful for the gift of another day. When you
recognise that life does not last forever, you realise how precious each new
morning is.

Taking a toll

The umbrella has broken,

find me another shade.

Find me a better protection,

help me fight my own fate.

OMG!

OMG! I really can't stand what is going on in the medical centre anymore. The pandemonium is seriously too much for one too handle. With the arrival of those guys who just went for their AMPT last week I thought that things are going to get better since more manpower tells you that the workload will be lighten but apparently it doesn't. More people more often than not equates to more disagreement and conflicts.
Wow! And I thought that nearing ORD all will be cooperative in making the last few months unforgettable for all. Wait a minute...they did that alright. Imagine feeding time at the lion's den; that is the scene when someone throws the team a forecast of offs and leaves to be taken within the next few months. I know...everybody wants to clear their offs and leaves but I mean at least spare a thought for the others. I don't want to mention names but I feel that ATEC is coming soon and the BCS is apparently not prepared for it...SERIOUSLY! Already CO commented is the lack of medics participation in trainings. I know that during this period, everybody doesn't give a damn. Well guess what? I GIVE. I care for what is going to happen when next year arrives. January will confirm see us preparing mentally and physically for ATEC, for once I think that it is going to be mentally taxing. I know that after ORD they will leave the Army and all that but I feel that they should at least spare a thought for senior medic. He has done a lot for us recently...well maybe but that matter aside, he has straighten out a lot of stuffs. Surely I'm not the only one that gives him credit for that. It is his job after all.
No use talking till my face turns blue. They are still going to say that they bo chap and all. I will just have to remind myself that not everyone is like me. They are entitled to their own opinion.

I cry day and night.
My fear has finally turn to fright.

Sniff...sniff

You were my best friend.
But now I can't even see your hand.

Sniff...sniff...I lost

I know its never your fault.
But now you're only in my thoughts

Sniff...sniff...I lost a best friend

No one can replace you.
My friendship with you will forever be true.

Sniff...sniff...I lost a best friend to death

Since when did you care?
When I was down you weren't even there.
You left me alone to fend,
for myself, all alone, I thought you were my friend.

Now where do I stand?
Will we still be holding hands?

The past are gone, they remain as memories.
But now I'm faced with new worries.
Of how we're going to continue.
We have to get back, I think we're due.

I said sorry countless times.
Somehow it just doesn't rhyme.

No use feeding this anger,
It never gets full, it just gets stronger

Vile

I creep when you weren't looking

creep, stab, creek, stab

You are vile, you make me puke

stab, break, stab, break

I sketched my fear all over you

scribble, scratch, scribble, scratch

There's no escape, even if you want to

scratch, sniff, scratch, sniff

If you do not create your own destiny, you will have fate inflicted on you

William Irwin Thompson


Do you believe in fate?

That all your experience in life be in conscious or subconscious are all planned and out there, someone, somewhere is overlooking all of this, making sure that things happen the way they are suppose to.

I personally believe so. Everything that happened happens for a reason. A reason provides an adequate reason for something that was planned. Have you ever encountered something bad? Well the word bad is just used to mean that things doesn't go your way. Instead of cursing and crying over it, you should learn to correct it and absorb the lesson learnt and never to repeat it agian.

Two wrongs doesn't make a right but it will definitely make it easier to make a right in the future.

...then again, fate decides whether you learn anything or not.

All in my head...

Amongst the confusion in my head... this was what I can see but soon it became clear.

confusionobscureangersadnesstemptationirritatedobviousminute
painperplextoilsufferdisorientatedIhurtgloomycheerlessspiritless
tornscaredfearfulinsecurefailuretroublemakerrebeltimidegoistic
selfishstupidlameavoidshunannoyancefuriousprovokedweakcheapen
difficultunimportantincompetentineffectivejustdiscouraged
uninvolvedrageintentionalscrewedupinflexibletruthdead
uncooperativeeffortlessagainstdullmiserablelivelessuninteresting
slackingdepresseddissapointmentdefeatedtiredenoughfreedom
letgomadnesstamedon'tstressfreefallrepeatunfairscapegoate
scapeanticipateignoranceambiencetrampledchokedincapable
hookeduninitiativeslackindifferentchangedmixedknowalone
defeatedfainttearspolluted

For 30 minutes, all I could think of was

I just don't know

Amidst

It took away my joy, and replaced it with fear
It took away my happiness, and sadness is all that remains.

And I thought I knew.

It replaced the respect, now I'm cautious.
It took away my trust, now what is left?

And I thought you knew.

When I chose to keep it, you took it away.
Assurance is key, but somehow I lost it.

I just don't know.

My playlist has undergonea major transformation yesterday. Since I downloaded limewire the day before, I have been downloading songs like Stick with you by Pussycat Dolls, Stronger by Sugarbabes, You weren't there by Lene Marlin and Here with me by Dido. This was when it struck me that these songs really reflected my feelings and how I see the world around me. The lyrics make me shed tears though not much. Full of meaning is how I describe the songs, some even explains the way I'm behaving.

Sometimes I feel so down and out
Like emotion that's been captured in a maze
I had my ups and downs
Trials and tribulations,
I overcome it day by day,
Feeling good and almost powerful
A new me, that's what i'm looking for

So don't you worry about
People hanging around
They ain't bringing us down
I know you and you know me
And that's all that counts

She cut herself on a piece of paper
It didn't hurt, but she saw the blood
She could need that embrace, you weren't there

He had his birthday few days ago
He got some presents, a big party too
And there were congratulation calls
As the years before, not ever one from you

I don't want to call my friends
They might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that's been

Do I even know what this feeling is? The feeling of being at the peak and at a trench at the same time? I feel happy and grateful but at the same time sad and disappointed. The feeling that when you tried so hard at certain things but the others are left neglected. I feel like a fireman trying to tame all the fires; to put out fully before continuing or to share the water with all so that it will be put out together. Do I even make sense? This see-saw of emotions have got to be balanced somehow.

Up and down
I'm going dizzy
Smile and frown
I couldn't tell, all is fuzzy

Sugarbabes: Stronger

I'll make it through the rainy days
I'll be the one who stands here longer than the rest
When my landscape changes, rearranges
I'll be stronger than i've ever been
No more stillness, more sunlight,
Everything's gonna be alright

I know that there's gonna be a change
Better find your way out of your fear
If you wanna come with me
Then that's the way it's gotta be
I'm all alone and finally
I'm getting stronger
You'll come to see
Just what I can be
I'm getting stronger

Sometimes I feel so down and out
Like emotion that's been captured in a maze
I had my ups and downs
Trials and tribulations,
I overcome it day by day,
Feeling good and almost powerful
A new me, that's what i'm looking for

[Bridge]
[Chorus]

I didn't know what I had to do
I just knew I was alone
People around me
But they didn't care
So I searched into my soul
I'm not the type of girl that will let them see her cry
It's not my style
I get by
See i'm gonna do this for me

[Repeat chorus til fade]

A poem a day... if I can

Just like that things took a twist.
Sometimes it's hard to understand so I just took the gist.
But as always I sense something was amiss.
Now I hope that time would freeze.
So that I can mend friendships before they cease.

Recent Pics

This is a pic of my table. Not a writing table, just a dressing table. Just finished spring cleaning and thought it would be a good idea to snap a picture of it because it won't stay in that condition for long. and I'm right... now it's in a mess. Haha.
Anyway, the branch has my name on it. I made it during my stay in SISPEC while waiting for a navigation test with my handy jack-knife. The teddy bear was given to me on my birthday by my ex-bestfriend. Nothing much actually, the rest are just souvenirs I got from my friend when they went overseas. Hmm... I've got to change my handphone. It looks so old from here.
My whole family celebrating Hari Raya on the 1st day at my aunt's house. Note that the colour of my bro's shirt is of a different tone than my dad and mine. Haha. That's because the shade has no more size for him. Me and sis always tease him saying that he was of a different family. Haha. I do look good in red do I? Haha.
Me and my cuz who just happened to have the meatiest cheek around. I love to pinch it. Haha. This was taken outside my aunt's house, still the same house because on the first day everyone from my mother's side of the family will gather, perform the dusk prayer together and meet up with each other. Not to mention that there is a massive asking-for-forgiveness cum money- collection ceremony for all.
Well, all the pics were taken with a normal camera. The quality wasn't that bad though I would have preferred a digital camera since you can see the image on the spot. Nonetheless the pics turned out as I expected so there wasn't any disappointment.

Wonder Why?

I wonder why I never write about my Hari Raya gathering. Maybe it's because I come home tired after every trip all bummed out. It's always very taxing... going to every house to eat; I think I gained a few kgs. Guess I need to burn it off real soon.

Yesterday called Azri and it turned out that I have been missing a lot about camp stuff. I have to say I was a bit shocked but not that surprised that it makes my jaw drop. I had expected all of these but just didn't say it to anyone. I fear that what I thought was wrong. I just don't want to anger people, that is all. As you can see, there is a lot of things that I did in the past that I'm aware of and I stopped it once and for all or things that I have done now that may seem sudden or unexpected.

• I'm now closer to Azri and Vincent but apparently some are "not happy" about it.
• Now not that close to Chandra after we came back but I don't blame him, he's busy with mopa but we still talk about stuffs that we usually talk about.
• Lukman is still the same. I sent him a Hari Raya greeting and he didn't reply; maybe he was busy.
• I'm trying for the last time to make my friendship with Thomas work once again.

These are just some of the things; I don't want to list all of them. I won't be fair to myself. I just feel that a lot has change since the Spec 2 guys came back. Maybe it's because now there's more people and that means more for them to see, analyse and of course criticise. Dealing with a large group of people is just not my thing.

I wouldn't say that there is a major problem amongst the BCS team. It's just that it's all the small and minor issues that is littered all around the team. All that I can think about is because now nearly everybody stays out so we seldom get a chance to mingle after work. During the time when everybody has to stay in on certain days, we were stronger then. Bonds that were formed were more durable. Not like now where it is so brittle. I just cannot think of the future of the team. Surely everybody realises what is happening to us. Cold wars everywhere, defiance, backstabbing, hypocritism, pointing fingers, all these are apparent. Everyone can see that. And I thought that the Brunei trip was going to make us bond more. The moment people came back, things went back to their original ways.

Was that just a facade? It seems that that we are in a game of Survivor where we are all the contestants. When the situations demands it e.g during exercises than we work well together. Back in camp, we go back to our alliance. Well guess what, in this game of Survivor, everybody will get to be kicked out. There is no 1 million to be won, no voting to be done, no challenges to be won and certainly everybody will get the same reward.

Change is the only permanent thing. I totally agree with this. Already in the medical centre a lot has change. Friendships are put to the test, troublemakers are there to cause a stir, fire starters do what they do best, arson. And the best thing is that everyone is watching, analysing, speculating. I'm not only talking about the BCS team. I mean the whole medical centre as a whole.

Well, what happened to the simpler days. Sometimes I really cannot take all of this. I sometimes wish that I could just stay in the corner of the medical centre to be by myself and get away from all of this. Tuck myself in the corner and telling myself that I don't want to be a part of this. Tell everybody to just Shut The F**k Up. Stop thinking to much. But sometimes I find myself being trap in all the mess. I can't get out, I can't tell them to stop, I'm helpless. Guess that I will just to weather it out. I feel so drained...

Encore of my poem written in Brunei. The situation demands it.

In this place I hid myself, whenever things may turn ugly.
When all else fails and hopes slim down,
this place, my retreat, takes all the fears away.
Anger, disappointment and tireness, are signs to heed, I soon may
break.
Bring myself back to this place again, so that I will recover from the
pain.

Movie review: Sky High

Caught the movie at Causeway this afternoon with Kelvin and Vincent. The movie was Ok la; not that great but I couldn't say that it was a total flop. The effects was mediocre, the acting was mediocre, the comedy was mediocre and the plot was, you guessed it, mediocre. Nothing fantastic about the movie but I guess what makes the movie enjoyable was that it is a superhero movie and that everyone could relate to it. In one point of your life, you are bound to wish that you were a superhero possessing a power be it flying, super strength or just read people's mind. Personally I would like to be able to control the weather... it surely must be cool, like Storm from X-men.
After the movie, we found ourselves discussing about the powers that we would like to possess. Sounds a bit childish but let's face it, it would be cool to have powers. But come to think of it, having powers doesn't sound so simple. Imagine having to keep it a secret so as not to stir any publicity, taming your powers, the responsibility in owning the power. And can you imagine the biological and psychological impact on having a power. I couldn't.

Rating for the movie: 3.75/5 (too mediocre)

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri!

Well the day has finally arrived. After 29 days of fasting, it's time to celebrate victory this month.

Went to morning prayers with my dad in the morning at Al-Firdaus Mosque. As usual, every year when I hear the 'takbir', tears began to flood my eyes. For the past few years I didn't know why it happened but this year I knew. I cried because I was reminded of the past, saddened by the situation of the present and uncertain about the future. I sympathise with those who are unfortunate enough to celebrate this day as they do in Singapore. For the earthquake victims, they are fortunate enough if they have their family by their side.

I don't want to be sad about this because today is the day to be happy and seek forgiveness.

Here's a website about fasting: http://www.tolueislam.com/Bazm/Mansoor/MA_purpose_of_fasting_II.htm
A bit too late but even I learnt something from it.

To all,

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri

Maaf Zahir dan Batin

Who am I kidding...

Hmmphh!!!
Who am I kidding man!
Why am I doing all these? Can't I just see that it wasn't meant to be? I should just let it be but now it's too late to take it all back. Most of it is done. Done by me. He doesn't care! He says he hope we can talk again. Yeah... and I hope to become a president one day! I mean, how many times have I tried but it always ends the same way and now I'm trying again. Why? Maybe I wanted to be ignored by him so much.

I should know when to back off and let it be but instead I butted again... letting my emotions take control of the situation. I'm too selfish. Have I not taken into consideration that maybe he doesn't want it? That he is tired of me butting in to salvage what is left. That he doesn't want me as a friend anymore. Why haven't I looked this over before passing him the letter? Have I asked myself all these I wouldn't have even consider writing it, let alone passing it to him.

And now I have even taken up a duty with him late this month. What the hell was I thinking! Slow down man! Your going way too fast. Now it's too late to pull back. Why have I done this?
Am I not suppose to take all of this as a lesson and grow from it? Why come back to it? Why try to make everything work?

The friendship didn't work the first time... what makes you think it would the second time? Well it's not exactly the second time, it was more of like the 10th time. Wish I could turn back time. I really didn't want to do this at first. But what made me do it? I don't know.

I just don't