Wonder Why?

I wonder why I never write about my Hari Raya gathering. Maybe it's because I come home tired after every trip all bummed out. It's always very taxing... going to every house to eat; I think I gained a few kgs. Guess I need to burn it off real soon.

Yesterday called Azri and it turned out that I have been missing a lot about camp stuff. I have to say I was a bit shocked but not that surprised that it makes my jaw drop. I had expected all of these but just didn't say it to anyone. I fear that what I thought was wrong. I just don't want to anger people, that is all. As you can see, there is a lot of things that I did in the past that I'm aware of and I stopped it once and for all or things that I have done now that may seem sudden or unexpected.

• I'm now closer to Azri and Vincent but apparently some are "not happy" about it.
• Now not that close to Chandra after we came back but I don't blame him, he's busy with mopa but we still talk about stuffs that we usually talk about.
• Lukman is still the same. I sent him a Hari Raya greeting and he didn't reply; maybe he was busy.
• I'm trying for the last time to make my friendship with Thomas work once again.

These are just some of the things; I don't want to list all of them. I won't be fair to myself. I just feel that a lot has change since the Spec 2 guys came back. Maybe it's because now there's more people and that means more for them to see, analyse and of course criticise. Dealing with a large group of people is just not my thing.

I wouldn't say that there is a major problem amongst the BCS team. It's just that it's all the small and minor issues that is littered all around the team. All that I can think about is because now nearly everybody stays out so we seldom get a chance to mingle after work. During the time when everybody has to stay in on certain days, we were stronger then. Bonds that were formed were more durable. Not like now where it is so brittle. I just cannot think of the future of the team. Surely everybody realises what is happening to us. Cold wars everywhere, defiance, backstabbing, hypocritism, pointing fingers, all these are apparent. Everyone can see that. And I thought that the Brunei trip was going to make us bond more. The moment people came back, things went back to their original ways.

Was that just a facade? It seems that that we are in a game of Survivor where we are all the contestants. When the situations demands it e.g during exercises than we work well together. Back in camp, we go back to our alliance. Well guess what, in this game of Survivor, everybody will get to be kicked out. There is no 1 million to be won, no voting to be done, no challenges to be won and certainly everybody will get the same reward.

Change is the only permanent thing. I totally agree with this. Already in the medical centre a lot has change. Friendships are put to the test, troublemakers are there to cause a stir, fire starters do what they do best, arson. And the best thing is that everyone is watching, analysing, speculating. I'm not only talking about the BCS team. I mean the whole medical centre as a whole.

Well, what happened to the simpler days. Sometimes I really cannot take all of this. I sometimes wish that I could just stay in the corner of the medical centre to be by myself and get away from all of this. Tuck myself in the corner and telling myself that I don't want to be a part of this. Tell everybody to just Shut The F**k Up. Stop thinking to much. But sometimes I find myself being trap in all the mess. I can't get out, I can't tell them to stop, I'm helpless. Guess that I will just to weather it out. I feel so drained...

Encore of my poem written in Brunei. The situation demands it.

In this place I hid myself, whenever things may turn ugly.
When all else fails and hopes slim down,
this place, my retreat, takes all the fears away.
Anger, disappointment and tireness, are signs to heed, I soon may
break.
Bring myself back to this place again, so that I will recover from the
pain.