Day 7 10:40a.m
120mm pl was deployed in camp instead. Looks like FSo's doing some fine-tuning to the mortar drills, setting up and camouflaging. Woke up today freezing. Apparently the temp dipped low at night for the first time. Quite a breezy morning but still hot nonetheless. I have to give credit to myself for not missing home or S'pore. Don't get me wrong that I'm enjoying my life here. No doubt the trainings stretch for days, food here is limited, weather is extreme (for me), no TV, no entertainment, family's not here.But I told myself a lot prior to departing last Thursday. And everything has, so far, been what I've expected it to be. Some people here are very concerned abt ATEC, when our flight is, R&R and depressing stuff. For me, I try to take a day at a time; looking far will only make me feel stress. Sometimes I'm out there staring far, appearing to be deep in thought. But I don't have the luxury of expressing myself out here.

2:29 p.m
How many times have I taken the wrong steps? Many I'm sure. Ocassionally I ask myself whether I learned anything from it. It seems that I'll never learn from my mistake. For one thing I keep repeating them. FUCK! How stupid and insensitive can I get.
The steps in life I take,
unsure of my footing I step,
I fell the first time I cried.

9:02p.m
I came to realise a pt today. People who observe me from a distance are more aware of my plight than those whom I consider close. I'm very surprised when Lukmanul made a comment. I was truly shocked. He got to the core of my worry. I don't know how he figured out. All the others got was questions like "why so quiet?" "how's your cover?" " what you doing today?" It's hard to be happy and cheery this few days and I find it getting harder. To be exact and honest, I feel left out in all of this. I feel like I'm neither in 120mm pl nor HQ. In 120 I don't know the men but slowly. Right now I just don't want to be part of anything. I feel that my presence in both HQ and 120 as a joke. Don't ask me why.
And right now as I remembered my late grandfather that passed away last month, I cried. It's the same tears that fell yesterday afternoon and on the 24. These tears are hard to fight back. I have no choice but to let it go. Is this the part where I crack? Yes... more than that.
Tomorrow there's nothing for me so I'll be in camp again preparing for Saturday's outfield. Heard that it's gg to be a 6 day event... so another major test for me.
I feel so detached from everything the same way I'm being detached. The sliver of hope all gone with it. But somehow I feel that I deserve this. I really do.