Lost thread

Sometimes when I write I take extra caution to make sure that I don't offend anybody. But now I realise why should I?

If you chose to be offended by my snarls, my sarcasm or my crude remarks, is it my fault?

I was waiting for this thought to surface for a very long time because it was preventing me from doing justice to myself.

Right now I feel the wheel turning on me again. What happened before is now happening again. But mind you, I've taken precautions this time, not wanting to thread on dangerous grounds again knowing that I will not burn the bridges behind me.

When people look at me, just what do they see?
First impressions always say that I'm dao.
Do I deny that?
Not at all.

Maybe it's the increasing complexity of my life that had me worrying and sulking for so long. I had people come to me asking why I looked so glum and sad. To them I looked sad, to me I'm tired of smiling - tired of being a nice guy. At times it just doesn't pay.

During the days just before and after ORD, I mentioned about how things will change, how things will undergo major changes. I guess now I'm seeing it happening. I see some of my so called 'close friends' disappearing, I see how I'm struggling to keep friends as friends. I see how older friends re-surface as soon as new friends leave. I guess it's nature's balance.

As people drift further apart, it's unlikely that there'll be any shared thread.

As always after I write a damn depressing entry like this, I'll have a barrage of response from people telling me that it's ok, telling me that I'm not alone, telling me that I think to much. But then this same people will disappear as soon as the next bright entry comes out. I just couldn't figure all these people out.

I guess I'm never destined to have good friends. I lost best friends, I lost good friends. Maybe I'm just the kind of person to just have friends. To treat everyone equally. Because I expected reciprocation that I never got, because I trusted people who seemed trustworthy.

Maybe it's the damn rat race society that I'm living in, where a person feeds on another person's weakness. Just when do we have the time to stop and smell the roses?

I always feel bad after writing things without sorting them through. But this time it felt right. Right, to let myself out once in a while.

I guess I still have much to write but just couldn't find the right words...