Just how often

... do I wear that mask?

Would you call it a perfectly moulded facade? It would be more that suited. For one thing I feel suitable in it, feel suitable lying in it, feel suitable pretending in it. What more? Yup... that's all I want to say about it. Having been in and out of the army I've discovered a bit more about myself, but more on the unpleasant side. The pessimistic me has never been stronger.

... do I lie to ourselves?

If you have no qualms about lying to others, you have the perfect answer. YES I lie to myself. Frequently too. Remember Thailand? I made a whole list of things to do when I came back. And how many of those have I actually achieved? Less than half. Why? Why lie to myself? Setting ridiculously high hopes for myself when at the end of the day I indulge myself in this never-ending spiral of self-guilt.

... do I worry?

Is always an acceptable answer? In my shoes, anything will be. Where do my worries even start? Insecurities? Fear? Introvertness? It's a careful blend of all this ingredients that produce the concoction that I drink everyday so that I drown myself. And my biggest worry now has to be Uni. Will I be able to survive? I hope so. Well that is the secondary question I ask myself. The primary concern is will my parents be able to support me through my studies? I know they will have to work harder, mum told me that, but will they work hard to a point where they will just break down? 4 years is a long time before I graduate. Being a bit of an optimist, if I graduate, how long will it take before I get a stable job? Months? Years? And my siblings aren't getting younger too. They have studies on their own. Ya... I worry a lot.

... I get knocked down?

Not going to answer that. Just a few moments ago, the NUS financial department just replied my e-mail giving me my application number to access my application status because apparently I haven't send any supporting documents. Too bad the closing date is tomorrow but even then when I tried to access the site, they say that I can't access it anymore because I had already submitted the form and will not be able to access the system again. One more chance just blew up in my face. Guess the only thing to do now is wait for matriculation.

Oh... it sucks!