Funny News Ticker Messages (Part 1)

The following is a list of funny news type messages that appears in the ticker box in Sim City 4.

Coming to life:
Armadillos want aardvarks removed from dictionary claims "here first"
Angel found dancing on pinhead ordered to stop; cited for public nuisance
Letters claim they are better than number; "Always have been"
Pens proclaim pencils obsolete, "lead is dead"
Rock and paper sues scissors for discrimination
Steak tell-all book reveals he never liked sitting by potato
Woodchuck stops counting how many times he's chucked "Never again"

City News: [CN] refers to the name of the city
[CN] clerk first person able to pronounce "@*$%!"
[CN] delis serving boiled paperback dictionaries, "Adjectives chewy" customers declare
[CN] weather deemed "boring"; thunderbolts and hail to be imported
Most [CN] traffic cops prefer cream over sugar
Palindrome speakers conference in [CN]; "Wow!" says Otto
Question mark worshipped as deity by ancient [CN] dwellers
Spilled milk causes whole [CN] block to cry
World largest to patty at display in [CN]

Personal Favourites:
"Here kitty kitty" no longer preferred cat retrieval technique
Man travels 7000 miles to retrieve lost hankie, "It was my favourite"
New bowling lanes that shoots balls at bowlers very popular
Sim get tattoo of solar system on chest "moons tickle most"
Sim marries computer; wedding attended by 100 modems
Sim reports successfully using harmonica as cheese grater
Sims finally skip to M'lou, but she's not home
Sims invent handkerchief that says "Bless you" after sneeze
Twin accused of posing for other twin's school photo
Woman robs store with hair dryer; clerk loves new style